10.19.2013 how did it go today?... today, it was not a good place...rundown it was, substandard...exceedingly small of size..munity of cabins...six of them...with some homeless dirt covered man just sitting right out there in front of my own cabin... oh no... some twenty year old skateboarder drug users in the fifth cabin just standing outside, eyeing and spying on any intellectual activity or light affirmativeness... terrible... a cat as though stray...but belonging to those owners... awful... as I was told of the dirty person...though not even taken care of by them...oh how awful indeed it was... dreadful...you cannot go there...it is all so sad and terrible...how do people sink to this... it was said to me these are the cheapest places in Running Springs...poverty stricken it was... then not Running Springs... crime ridden probably, even that area... you cant live there... no, of course not... yes crime ridden... I have felt very bad all day afterward... I expect you did... my father knows about this days event...but...no...time is running out, Adam...I understand, until the 1st... if you are desperate then the lady with the dogs is the best... oh, no, I have written back to her already...telling her no... oh... I could not live there... ok... the place is up for others by now...I cannot go to my fathers...not to my mothers... no... not to Shannons...not to my brother Neils... no... there are no friendships...very little money... was there another place... well yes...there is one other place in Crestline... ok... it is more expensive, this one...affordable however... ok... and it just has to be better... it has... acceptable and tolerable...tomorrow...in the morning... well it HAS to be better than the one today... I call her and drive down there to inspect the place in person...oh right, about that, yes...of course...if not the Crestline place...I have every right to be exceedingly afraid about my future situation... yes understood... what could happen...I wont even return to my fathers...no...I will not think about it right now... well you must keep looking which I expect you are just in case the Crestline one is not good......there have to be others... keep looking I will do so, yes... it is important... I will resort to housemate situation, if I should find one... yes indeed... maddening this is... take one with a housemate should there be one available and then plan again...it is maddening... four months by now...no place found...and then... beyond belief... given a thirty days notice...and no luck at all since four months...suddenly... you will find somewhere I know it... thirty days to do this... it is bad Adam...I know it is... it is sensible, however...the place here was a complete and nightmarishly ridiculous failure...I hadnt experienced pain and torment and affliction never in my life like I did while here at this place...it was truly unspeakable affliction here... indeed... uncommon affliction...others do not experience this pain... it was repellent... it is a rare case...of affliction... yes...noises drive me insane...sounds... lights out, pillow over the head, shutting out the life experience altogether...with nobody else... they think I am mad at work... nothing else there...nothing to look up or forward to... life itself painful... no good memories... life is painful but it wont stay like this... no good premonitions or future thoughts... what did your father say? is he trying to help... my father is of course helping me, yes...money wise, yes... bless him... suggestions... he is the best father... to the landlords...advice, assistance...always reminding me... good man... that I do have his place to go to... true... he has even come close enough... better that than the streets... to evicting my brother from his place...he was even ready to do this, for me...though he did not do so, only because I did not return to his place...I do not know...better that...than the streets... well perhaps that will happen... it is impossible to stay here in the mountains...during this season...were I to be homeless... he will evict your brother... and I will not accept that...I will not be able to shower or to sleep comfortably...all of my possessions will have been in my car...no room to stretch out at night... impossible Adam... library computers only...for house assistance...yes! know this! He cannot put me through that! so frightening...I had lost some support from Him today...I see sixes more commonly...again...irritation from Him...in whatever material abstractions...even so...now! at this situation...how frightening that is...unbearable... well you MUST go to your father...you cant be on the streets... no, not to dwell with him...I must find another place... perhaps he will evict your brother... I can still do so...time is not completely out...it is indeed some fourteen further days... that is true... the day itself...it might be the 5th even... you still have time... I dont know about it as of yet... and as long as you look every day... yes...everyday...call at least someone every day... this place at Crestline... I will not accept less than that... have you seen it on Google earth...I mean do you know what it looks like?... at Crestline...I had even looked earlier today on Google maps, street view, yes, for it...I could not find it...I have the street name...for it...though not the number...I looked up and down... how annoying... the entire street...right...I have pictures of the place...I tried to match the doorway...and the painting...of the house in the pictures...to each and every house that I came across...on the street view...still could not find it ultimately...but indeed...the house... what a shame... it has to have a good quality... what was the street like?... the street is a very good one...it is secluded... oh Adam... there are good houses there...big good houses... that sounds promising... spacious of their intervals...it is Crestline! how can it be horrible in a good street... it is like Kurts place...the area itself... oh good... many of the houses are like his place... oh I am praying that this one is good... there could not possibly be bad neighbours there...Crestliners are actually very good people...it is a rarity...around here...they drive calmly...they wave to you...in your car... oh thats great... they are on the street...they will just simply wave to you in your car as you pass them...they do not even know you...this is Crestline, right... the way it used to be here... it is a far better town than even Big Bear... lovely... as it used to be, yes...still so... oh I have hopes for this one... in Crestline...I do too... well we must be positive...and remain positive... somehow, someway, I must find additional money... yes... $200 more per month... oh... they couldnt take it out of the paycheck...could they? I must ask them about this...such misery all of this is... I dont understand the question Adam... oh, I refer to the government program... ok... were I to make additional money... ah...I see... there is that concern that I have...it may be valid...no matter $200 or what else...so, if such is the case... well over here people do work and dont tell anyone as well as getting government money...its known as fraud here... then to make additional money while on this program is an impossibility...oh indeed... benefit fraud... I would never commit that...they have to know...the program... no I understand you wouldnt... about essentially any amount of additional money made... sadly yes... ah, well, I preserve the idea...of an online business...somehow, some day...to establish this... is there any kind of work you could do darling? I know it is difficult... as though part time...yes, as I say above... oh yes...I see... something about business activity... online work... I could be a very good businessman... business activity - yes...yes...I believe that... it is within me to formalise this...right...it would have to be rather up scale business... I think you could do it... then there at such level I could shine... you could... only online business for now...selling... oh yes... it could not be swords or helmets and so forth...not altogether...somehow, there must be more cheaper commodities acquired and offered online... I agree... revenue could be made far more easily through this means...it would not be a full time business, no...I would not devote my life to it, no...so, yes...were the Crestline place, were I to get it...it is more expensive this place...while there...I would try to start such a business...if to cover whatever additional expenses there... well no of course not but in the short term you might have to devote quite a bit of time to it... earn some profit, some acceptable income, at last... of course... yes, at first...as you say...maintain it, likewise...at first, devote quite a bit of time to it, yes...fearsome, this is, returning to this current situation... it is...I wonder what you could sell... right... I am thinking hard here... I think about, along side of perhaps swords or helmets...DVDs? and CDs? what else... sometimes the things that sell well with the public are things that dont always interest us personally... this is, cheap commodities...no, that is absolutely true, as you say of it...we would sell even commodities that went against our value systems and our principles...we would have to do so... swords and helmets? is there a market for these...I mean a big market and where would you get them... and even so, we would not surrender to them...no, not a big market... yes I have just read your words... for these... correct... and, to get them...metal would need to be acquired...also, bracers... hmm... another item...and this... true... leather is acquired...at crafting shops...you craft the leather into the bracer...use your crafting tools for this, knife, punching awl, string...add onto it designs or studs or so forth...this is concerning of the bracer itself...the swords...far more difficult...to craft them...anvil required, I think? and a furnace...a hammer...? yes... smelting the metal...? there is a lot to it... sand paper...? smith the sword...oh yes... and then where would all this be done?... the hilt, the guard, the pommel, hmm...right...a room at my place would have to be set up for this... I can see you are very passionate and interested in this... to craft a helmet...I am, yes, indeed...a helmet, oh, perhaps, there are molds for the steel and the metal...liquefy the metal, I think? place the liquid in the mold...the form of it...and then, somehow, it dries...I dont know, actually...I am thinking about this...research would be done on this...suddenly it would become far clearer...then, they are offered online... yes there must be info on the Internet... the store online is opened up...oh there is information on all of this online, of course... would you sell on eBay... it is opened up, and yes, I would sell my merchandise on eBay...or on Amazon as well...these are the sites... yes... that I would do this... good... but indeed, there would definitely require dedication to this practice...I dont know if I have it within me to do this legitimately...or lucratively enough...it is not required...to do this... could be a problem... not completely necessary...it could be, yes...I read...negative feedback...could ruin the business... you have to work at something like this consistently...yes negative feedback is terrible... so positive feedback is so important to receive it from the customers...consistently, right... that is why I am afraid of selling my own work... I will remember to do this someday in the future... afraid of feedback... oh, understood... yes I am so sensitive... it is however almost commonplace on eBay, or Amazon I think too, to receive positive feedback between the buyers and the sellers...I sense... and just to show you I can spell ha ha...I cant work consistently either... persons are unwilling or do not like to send negative feedback...consistently...no, I cannot do so! but there are some who enjoy it...I am sure... this is the very main reason for my lack of written compositions...and also...for the books that I have written...that...over the course of time, they are written...not written all at once...I sense, the others, they had exhausted themselves with this practice of mine, over the course of time... yes... I would probably have obtained far greater readership, were I to have written behind the scenes my works, and then have released them altogether at once... this is the problem... such a major problem that is...horrifying actually...it is tragic...for, I hear, irrecoverable, the audience they are to you, Adam...because perhaps of such practice... I can paint something that someone says oh I love it, I would buy that...you should do more like that...then I cant paint... the music, it is lengthy...however, one after the other... it all falls away... it wears them out...oh, I see...of course...nervousness...insecurity...doubtfulness...about your art works... ah yes and I have just read your words...I understand... right, of course... yes for different reasons we both struggle... do not return us to self-consciousness, you others! we must say to them...do not awaken us to ourselves...let us imagine our minds...without pointing out our course, our path, to us...play along with us...act like us...say your phrases like us...as we intend them to be said! as we intend them to be said...it is so far different...every time, always, from what they will actually say to us, or reply to us...
Posted on: Sat, 19 Oct 2013 08:18:53 +0000
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