“A government survey reveals the taoiseach is doing the work of two men. Laurel and Hardy.” “The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” “Specialisation means that everyone becomes better and better at less and less and eventually someone will be superb at f***-all.” “So I’m at the Wailing Wall, standing there, like a moron, with my harpoon.” “The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They’re relentless.” “I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.” “My father always used to say, ‘What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.’ Until the accident." “Here’s a picture of me with REM. That’s me in the corner.” “God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.” “A woman told her doctor, ‘I’ve got a bad back.’ The doctor said, ‘It’s old age.’ The woman said, ‘I want a second opinion. ‘The doctor says, ‘OK, you’re ugly as well.’” “A man walked into the doctor’s. The doctor said, ‘I haven’t seen you in a long time.’ The man replied, ‘I know. I’ve been ill.’” “What’s the most evil snack imaginable for a vegetarian? Philosophically speaking, it’s a Scotch egg because it’s got death on the outside and potential for life within.” “My wife and I both made a list of five people we could sleep with. She read hers out: ‘One, George Clooney; two, Brad Pitt; three, Justin Timberlake; four, Jake Gyllenhaal; five, Johnny Depp.’ I thought, I’ve got the better deal here: ‘One, your sister...’” “Posh hotels have a turn-down service. I had never heard of this and there was a knock at the door and a woman said, ‘I’ve come to turn down your bed.’ To which I said, ‘Well many women have in the past. Why should you be any different?’” “I picked up a hitchhiker. You gotta when you hit them.” “A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.” When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C. The Russians used a pencil.
Posted on: Sun, 09 Jun 2013 23:00:35 +0000