ARE YOU ADDICTED TO GS COOKIES, TOO? Buy One, Get One Free By Bob Challinor There are certain things in the world that ought to be banned in the interest of public health, safety and welfare. They seem innocent on the surface until their consequences are examined. Things like: Buy one, get one free sales – This is wallet entrapment. The family goes to clothing and shoe stores and drops thousands of dollars in a trail of debit card destruction because of these “buy one, get one free” sales. My wife’s shoe collection resembles that of Imelda Marcos because of these types of sales. She has shoes for work, shoes for weddings, dancing shoes, casual shoes, sneakers and even shoes for shoe shopping. Maria showed me a pair of shoes that she bought for $100, and while I clutched at my chest in pain she said, “But I got another pair of shoes for free because I bought the first pair. I’m a careful and prudent shopper.” The pain radiated to my upper left arm when my daughters showed blouses they bought for a combined $500 at “buy one, get one free” department stores sales. “We’ve got plenty of school clothes now, Dad,” they chirped. “That’s $600 that has disappeared from the bank account,” I said. “Looks like we’ll be eating nothing but cereal for the next two weeks.” “You exaggerate all the time,” Maria said. The two pairs of shoes mocked me. The pile of new blouses laughed at the pain that had spread to my jaw. Hospital emergency room visits cost something like $500 and the next visit isn’t free, I thought as I dropped heavily into a chair. Ban those sales. Please. Girl Scout cookies – The fine American tradition of selling Girl Scout cookies is deadly and subliminal. Who can resist the charm of a 9-year-old Girl Scout selling Thin Mints, Dulce de Leche and Peanut Butter Patties? Self control is abandoned as you buy 20 boxes of each variety. There is no longer any money to pay the mortgage or power bill or insurance premiums. “Hello, Mr. Challinor, this is your auto insurance company,” the voice said on the other end of the phone line. “Please make your payment by Friday or we’ll have to discontinue your coverage. Are you having financial hardship?” “Yes,” I sobbed. “I got sucked into the vortex of the Girl Scout cookie sales conspiracy. “I’m in over my head.” “There are support groups that can help you, sir.” So I attended a meeting of the Girl Scout Cookie Fiends Anonymous support group. I heard one sad story after another of shattered lives. Finally it was my turn. “My name is Bob and I’m a Girl Scout cookie fiend,” I said. “I got tired of the pain – falling behind on bills, hiding my addiction from my family and pretending I was fine. All the telltale signs were there and people were reading them: the smell of Carmel De-Lites on my breath, the empty cookie boxes piling up in my truck, the hidden cookies at work and the positive drug test results showing elevated amounts of cookie crumbs in my bloodstream. I’m paralyzed with shame.” On the way home I cut off two cars and nearly struck a pedestrian when I made a beeline to the grocery store. Girl Scouts were selling cookies at the front entrance. Ban Girl Scout cookie sales. Please. Four-person scramble golf tournaments – My golf handicap is an 8 lying on its side, the infinity symbol, so I’m happy to even be chosen to a four-person golf team. I’m always told, “Just enjoy yourself. Sooner or later the team is going to use a couple of your golf shots during the tournament.” It seems to make sense; I can hide behind my teammates, lean on their shots and maybe uncork a 270-yard drive that stays in-bounds, a shot everyone can use. But it never turns out that way. If I actually get up and down and hit the green from 112 yards out someone will stick a better shot, nullifying my attempt and prompting sympathetic babble from teammates. “That was a great shot,” they say, “but Joe knocked his to within 16 feet of the cup… and his ball is on the correct green. You just hit yours to another green, but I’m sure we’ll use one of your shots today.” It never happens. Instead I’m subjected to hearing about the great contributions others made. And someone will say, “Didn’t we use one of your putts from about four feet out? We didn’t? I could have sworn we used one of your shots today.” Ban four-person scramble tournaments. Please. Those are just three things that should be banned in the interest of public health, safety and welfare. There are more, and you’ll be hearing about them, believe me.
Posted on: Sun, 25 Aug 2013 23:56:53 +0000
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