As I said yesterday, today Ill give a brief overview of my children. I am a single mother with 2 boys. My oldest son is 12 years old and has severe mental and behavioral problems. They started when he was about 2 years old and have just gotten worse over the years. I debated whether or not to go into detail of some of the things he has done and have decided that I will only give vague details here and if anyone wants specifics they can pm me and Ill tell them. Over the years he has always told me he was going to kill me and his little brother. Up until recently he was never very specific with it and never acted on it. It was just a way he expressed when he was angry, scared, or frustrated. However lately I do take him much more seriously. He scares me. I fear that one day he really will kill me. He cant be within a foot of his brother without hitting, kicking, spitting on, or shoving him. He was into fire setting for a few months this past year. I have done multiple parenting classes, he sees therapists, skills trainers, psychiatrists, doctors. But it only helps a tiny bit. I dont know what to do any more. You will probably notice that I do not post many pics of my kids. He is the biggest reason why. I dont have cute family photos. He never smiles and he never does anything that I would want others to have to put up with. He is a thief. If I take him shopping with me I have to make sure he is in my sight at all times. He can not be trusted to be anywhere without supervision, not even outside. I try to take him to the park when I can, but I am always afraid of what he will do to other kids there that I have to be on constant guard and if he is having a bad day the trip is very short. I never get to go anywhere that I cant take him with for the fact that most people do not want to deal with him and finding babysitters is extremely difficult and expensive since he has to have special care. My mom does watch him for me on occasion when I am about to snap. But I always feel guilty about having to put her through the difficulty of dealing with him. So since his behaviors have gotten beyond my control I have severely lacked any social interactions. I dont go out, I dont have any friends to hang out with(except for my sister since she knows how he is and puts up with us in short bursts). I no longer have anything in common with people my age, thus the reason I am a boring person. I dont have any social skills left. I just sit back and watch. As for my other son, he is 6 years old. He is a typical little brat :). He is fiercely independent and always has been. He is charismatic, funny, and smart. He is a joy to be around when is brother isnt around. But when my older son is there and my little one sees how much attention has to be given to keep him in order I think he gets jealous. He has recently started lying to me more than usual, thinks he can just do what he pleases and doesnt understand why I get so upset. He does try, but he just wants the attention that his brother gets. So I am sure that by the time my oldest does something that is going to get him either arrested or hospitalized it will be to late to hope that my little one will be normal and happy and everything I am dealing with now will just start all over. I am to the point where I would rather not have my older son around anymore. I would do anything to give the younger one a chance at normalcy. So there is the biggest reason for my lack of happy family photos, and why I dont gush about my guys. They are difficult and normal people dont have the patience to deal with them. I am a very patient person, but even mine is pushed past its limits. Dont misunderstand, I love them more than anything else in the world. But in the end I have to do more than just protect them and protect the rest of the world from my oldest. It is not doing any of us any good to hide away like hermits. Its not fair to me or to my little one to be trapped away because my older son is not fit to be around other people. I want people to understand that I am not intentionally crazy or anti-social. I would love to be able to go out to work without having to fear that call I know will come from the school or the sitter because my son has hurt someone or is out of control. I would love to be able to go and spend the day at the park without having to worry about which parent is going to come after me because my child went after theirs. I would love to know what a peaceful day is like. I miss the days when that was possible. I want to be able to take my kids bowling, or to the movies, or out to dinner and for all of us to have fun. But that is something that is no longer possible for us. And my little one is missing out on so many things because of it. I dont want that for him anymore. I guess todays post ended up not being really about me, but it is a little insight into what makes me who I am. Tomorrow I will try to let out more about me instead of my boys. Take care until then.
Posted on: Wed, 14 Jan 2015 00:29:09 +0000
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