BARTENDER JOKE OF THE WEEK - IN HONOR OF OUR CHILI COOKOFF - TopicsExpress



          

BARTENDER JOKE OF THE WEEK - IN HONOR OF OUR CHILI COOKOFF SUPERBOWL SUNDAY... Frank: Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judges table asking directions of two judges (Native Texans). They said that the chili wouldnt be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event: CHILI # 1: MIKES MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI Judge # 1: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge #3 (Frank): Holy Mother of God! What is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope thats the worst one. These Texans are crazy CHILI # 2: ARTHURS AFTERBURNER CHILI Judge # 1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3: Keep this out of the reach of children. Im not sure what Im supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face CHILI # 3: FREDS FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI Judge # 1: Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers Judge # 3: Call the EPA. Ive located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before the flames that come from my ears ignite again. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. Im getting ****-faced from all of the beer. CHILI # 4: BUBBAS BLACK MAGIC Judge # 1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. blonde lady is starting to look HOT - just like this nuclear waste Im eating. They told me chili is an aphrodisiac! CHILI # 5: LINDAS LEGAL LIP REMOVER Judge # 1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if Im burning my lips off.! It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. CHILI # 6: VERAS VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge # 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and Im worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be braver than I thought. Cant feel my lips anymore, and I really need to wipe my *** with a snow cone. CHILI # 7: SUSANS SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI Judge # 1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldnt feel a thing. Ive lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, theyll know what killed me. Ive decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, Im not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, Ill just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. CHILI #8: TOMMYS TOE-NAIL CURLING CHILI Judge # 1: The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2: This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if hes going to make it. I wonder how hed have reacted to really hot chili
Posted on: Sun, 19 Jan 2014 06:45:32 +0000

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