Been sitting here this morning going through posted pictures from - TopicsExpress



          

Been sitting here this morning going through posted pictures from yesterday with family & updating names etc on them. I woke in a weird way this morning. I have a lot on my mind lately regarding family etc. It was really dysfunctional in our home growing up - I hated it & the dysfunction that Im not going to get into as its private. I left home at early age & had my first son @ 18yrs old, then at 19yrs old had my second son & before I reached 20yrs old lost my third child to cancer & no longer could have children. I have to admit that the thoughts going through my head are hard to deal with because I hate thinking of those times - but understand why I am different/the distance there is from the rest of my family. My Sis Lynn is 2yrs younger than I am, the rest are younger of course than us; but leaving home at the age of 16yr old I didnt grow up with them, so to speak I guess is what Im saying --- I was raising my Sons & going through not knowing how. As I said I was raised in a very dysfunctional home & it was hard not knowing how to be a parent & only having the dysfunctional way I was treated to go by as what a parent was, much less not knowing how to be dealing with finances/healthcare of children & the wrong choices I made of partners in life. I had no idea what a healthy person was all about. I did meet the love of my life (Tommy) through all of this. & then fast forward through life of learning & maturing; I do realize that I am & always have been different than my brothers & sisters as I didnt grow up with them - I left home at an early age when they were little - Lynn 14, Steven 13, Grant 12, Colleen 11 & Brian & Amy just babies. They dont know me. Obviously because I have had to be a grown up before my time even when Mom had miscarriages & lost her other children in between others & a stroke leaving me to take over cooking etc prior to being 16yr old at times before she even left Patterson back then leaving Dad & then returning to Patterson etc & me fed up with what was happening between them & to me I ran away at 16yrs old with my two Sons biological sperm donor...(we dont call him a Dad as he was never there for us) I do realize that even though my relationship is different with my brothers & sisters that I am very happy that they have great relationship with my Sons & thankful that they do. I have always gone through the marriage/relationships I had by working a couple of jobs/buying & selling on the side/worrying about paying the bills/getting monies together for my Sons school clothing lunches etc/because they were my responsibility to take care of & the monies for it came from what I made to do it with...explanation being passed by again as it is private on why it was this way. So... I sit realizing that they dont know me & they have a bond between each other of growing up that I was never a part of & I feel I am never going to have with them. I know that they have no idea of what transpired between my parents & I prior to my leaving as they were really young & my experiences of life they have no idea about. I have fought to work & take care of my family with little knowledge of how a family is supposed to be taken care of, but I worked through it...learning how healthier families were & working on myself to not be as dysfunctional as my parents were. At least my Sons didnt go through what I did..but again as I said I had a lot to learn so it wasnt perfect by no means being a child raising children. I just thought that I would put it out here that there needs to be more people that are willing to share their life experiences so that others dont feel so alone as we go through this life feeling this way... just saying... & that families need to sit back & realize they need to include all family members no matter the distance or how it got to be, because feeling alone/not fitting in is terrible...but taking time to rationalize the whole reason is good & understanding that it may never change & why is maturing even more. BTW - its all good, really; I love them no matter what - more than words can express... even at a distance
Posted on: Fri, 26 Dec 2014 15:02:45 +0000

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