Gender, Stereotypes and Being a Pastor’s Husband by Matt Marcantonio This post is from my perspective: You might (will) disagree, and that’s fine with me. My hope is that one person—just one—will have their eyes opened to truth and in turn be set free. There’s a phrase and title I’ve heard for the past few years; when I hear it, these three words make me want to scream in an uncontrollable rage. The pastor’s wife. Here are two reasons why I cringe at this phrase. 1. It’s a horrible stereotype for all women in ministry. Real quick: When you think of “the pastor’s wife,” tell me what you’re thinking. I’ll start: • Nursery worker • Amazing mother • First one to serve drinks at fellowship meal • Leader of women’s ministry • Woman who works a secular job, or is a stay-at-home mother The list continues. Now nothing at all is wrong with any of these—nothing! There are women who feel called to fill those roles. Not all women, and not all men, will always preach, teach or be in church leadership. However, this means there are women who WILL preach, teach, pastor and be in church leadership. The problem with this title is the stereotype. The church culture, knowingly or not, has widely adopted this role to all women and all wives of pastors. I’m the man—I’m the pastor. You’re the wife—you’re the pastors wife. The danger in this phrase is that women are not able to live up to their full potential in Christ. There are many examples of married couples we know of where the wife, by default—as “the pastor’s wife”—is put where the church feels she should serve. Her opportunities to do what God’s called her to do—sing, preach, teach, etc.—vanish. Why is that? The leaders—mainly male pastors—are blinded by this stereotypical phrase! Priscilla and Aquila were a team. They worked together as tentmakers, something that was uncommon for a married couple. They grew in God’s Word together. They taught and shared life together. Aquila never once put Priscilla and her talents aside because she was his wife. They encouraged each other and fulfilled God’s call together. 2. It paints an unrealistic view of the church to society. I was an atheist for the first 19 years of my life, but I learned more about equality between men and women, women in leadership, and the potential of women in the secular world than I did from the church. It wasn’t until I got around the church (the body of believers) that I found a different view. The secular culture and society told me one thing: Men and women can do anything. They can fulfill both their desires and their potential by the determining factor of their work ethic. The church tells me this: Men and women have their roles. However, they can’t tell me why. Many try to use horribly out-of-context scriptures from Paul and then have blind eyes to the structure of the New Testament church, the fact that women occupied prominent roles—even as council members. This phrase is a nightmare because it paints a dreary picture for the church. The church, a place where all can belong. The church, a place where no matter your race, ethnicity or upbringing, Jesus will save. The church, a place where discipleship happens. The church, a place that shines a light on a dark world. But the church, a place where most women are told their place. We have to ask ourselves this question: What makes the church and ministry appealing to women? We take them from society, get them saved and tell them to take a backseat? In his book Powerful and Free, Danny Silk mentions women who are in high leadership positions in businesses, who oversee hundreds of employees, but when asked to serve at the church got thrown into the nursery. Hello! What are we doing? This type of prayer is common among pastors: “Lord send us leaders. Lord send us workers. Lord send us talent.” The Lord could be telling you, “Hey man, look in front of you. Look at your wife, your nursery, your laypeople. There’s your talent. There’s your gifted workers. Now do something. Stop sticking people in stereotypical positions because that’s the easiest thing for you.” One reason I believe we don’t see more female pastors, preachers and teachers is because of the “pastor’s wife” mentality. From an early age, we put young girls in the nursery to help. They grow up thinking that’s all they can do. Why? They were put there, never given an opportunity, and all they see at their local church is women holding babies and men in a nice suit preaching. Even if God came down from Heaven and told them to preach the Gospel, how would they even respond since they have no understanding that the opportunity even exists in today’s local church. Men: We’re accountable. God established order: God, man, woman. That means we’re accountable for our spouses. When Eve took the fruit in the Garden of Eden, God looked at Adam. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want God to look at me and say: “Why did Kayla never reach her potential I gave her? It’s because of you, Matt.” My wife is called to preach, teach and disciple. She’s going to preach, teach and disciple. If my wife is called to a great supporting role and to be an awesome stay-at-home mom, shes going to be the best stay-at-home mother she can be. No matter the calling, men, we’re accountable. I encourage you to talk to your wives. What are her goals and desires? Are you helping or hindering them? Have you bought into the stereotype of a “pastor’s wife?” Or are you pushing her toward her God-given plans? No matter the answer, it all starts with communication.
Posted on: Wed, 19 Mar 2014 10:59:51 +0000
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