Hillary News Alert: In a secret hotel hideaway in Beverly Hills California, Hillary and Bill Clinton meet with key advisors and henchmen as they work her 2016 Presidential campaign. This reporter obtained an audio recording of the meeting. Transcript is as follows; (In Hillary’s hotel room) Bill Clinton: Geez Hillary, can you sober up for just an hour or so? We got the folks here to talk strategy and figure out who we gotta bump off before next summer. Hillary: OK. I’m ready. Bill Clinton: Then stop brushing your teeth with vodka. You ain’t foolin me. Hillary: Fine. I’ll meet you in the dining hall. I just need two more shots of Botox in my jowls and where the hell is my all in one girdle with the bustier? Bill Clinton: Hill, seriously? Honey your bosoms will never reach chest level again. Give ‘em a rest. Hillary: Look Mr. Lewinsky, just because I’m no Elizabeth Hurley doesn’t mean I’ve lost my femininity. Grab these straps and give ‘em a tug. (Bill puts his knee in the middle of her back and pulls and adjusts the girdle straps). (A few minutes later they are in a large dining room with assembled supporters and minions seated around a large table) Bill Clinton: I just wanna thank ya’ll for being here to help Hillary in her quest to make history in 2016. Nancy Pelosi: Mr. President, I’d like to say what a great pleasure it is to…. Hillary: Look Nancy this isn’t about you or what you think. This is about me and our plan to lock up the presidency for democrats for the next 50 years! You were all called to this meeting to get your minds right and to follow orders. Now this is the…. Bill Clinton: Whooa! Now settle down Hillary. Let’s not get off on the wrong nasty drunken foot. These folks are our key players and they and old George Soros know where the money and the votes is. Let’s start with a little round table discussion and get some ideas from everybody. Hillary: Can someone get me a Scotch? Bill Clinton: Not yet Hillary. Piers Morgan, let’s start with you and give us some ideas from the Limey out of work talkshow host perspective. Just kiddin’ buddy. Go ahead Piers. Piers: Mr. President and Mrs. Clinton, madam Secretary Senator. Speaking as an about to be deported semi-British citizen I must say that one issue you must contend with in 2016 is gun control. American has too many guns and they are all in the wrong hands. Hillary: (with her head hanging down) Bill, hand me the remote control. I need to change the channel. I hear Piers Morgan in my head. Turn off that queer little Brit. Bill Clinton: Uh Hillary… he’s right here at the table with us. Hillary: Really? Then hit the mute button or turn him off anyway. Bill Clinton: Sorry Piers, you gotta get to the point. Hill’s got the attention span of a drunk sailor at a stripper convention. Hey Alec Baldwin, good to see you buddy. Sorry you lost the gig doin’ the Capitol One commercials but I think we can use you as a spokesman. All our stupid voters seem to like ya. Did you memorize the script I sent ya? Give it a read for us OK? Alec Baldwin: Yes Mr. President I did and I took the liberty of making a few changes that…. Bill Clinton: You what? Listen Baldwin, you think yer a tough guy and you can chew the ass off some skinny photographer that takes some photo of you on the street of New York? Boy, I’m about to rip you a new one. Yer gonna feel like the Grand Canyon moved into yer… Hillary: OK now Bill, It’s your turn to settle down. Alec didn’t know you wrote the piece, now did you Alec? Alec Baldwin: No Madame Secretary. Hillary: That’s OK Alec, get me a Scotch, no ice. Bill is just a bit sensitive about people re-writing his copy. Ever since his 900 page biography “My Life” sucked so bad. My books have out sold Bill’s 4 to 1. He hates that. Bill Clinton: Hillary, can we move on.org? Rachel Maddow: Mrs. President… uh, I mean Madame Secretary, I’d like to say that I’ll do anything I can to support you and you can be on my show any and every night of the week if you like. Hillary: (Hillary leaning over to Bill speaking softly) Who is this guy? He’s kinda cute in a soft-skinned butchy semi-feminine kinda way. Is that Alec Baldwin’s son? Bill Clinton: Come on Hillary, put yer big thick glasses on. That’s Rachel Maddow from MSNBC, she’s a chick not a guy. Hillary: (Speaking to everyone) Alright then, I think we all need a 30 minute break. Rachel dear, come with me to my room upstairs. I want to show you something I’ve been working on. It’s in my closet. - John C. Bieber satirically reporting.
Posted on: Wed, 26 Mar 2014 22:04:15 +0000
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