I am a father who has lost a child, a friend,a daughter. Because of my daughters death I have found the need to reach out to other parents who are also dealing with the loss of a child. I get messages from other parents whose children have also died.They inevitably come to the part of the conversation when im asked whether or not i have accepted her death. Like so many who do not understand the depth of pain that a parent lives with after a loss such as this, I always stated that i will not and never will accept her death. Having just recently made it through the 3rd anniversary of my daughters death,and facing another birthday without her and being an emotional wreck, I took the time to think about what acceptance means to me. As her 25th birthday approaches I find myself in almost as much heart wrenching pain as I was when she first died. I am taken back to those last days of her life. Replaying the scenes over and over in my mind. Dwelling on all the what-ifs and the whys. Feeling my heart sink in the emergency room as i finally realized that my B was gone from this earth. Now having gotten through those painful first days/ months/years I feel as though I am back to where I started three years ago and am once again trying to find my way along this painful journey called grief. I have come to the conclusion of several things and would like to share what I have discovered. I tell my friends this: Sometimes it just hits. Its that time of year for me. I think its better to cry, scream, yell,whatever it takes, than it is to stuff the pain inside and let it eat at you. It has to come out sometime, better now than later. We all know that its a part of this journey, and we all go through those times. I tend to feel that if I accept Caityns death.....which for me meant to stop trying to find all the things that I should have done differently and to stop blaming myself and being angry that she was gone. I also thought that if I accepted the fact that she was gone; then it meant that it was ok with me. That I no longer cared that she was gone from this earth. I also thought that if I began living again; eating, sleeping, taking care of myself, allowing myself moments of joy,and enjoying the lives of my surviving child, then it would prove to the world that I had moved on. That I had forgotten Caityn and what her life meant to me. I now find that those things are not at all true. For me, acceptance means that I accept the fact that my daughter is not here anymore because I have no choice. But I do not have to like it! I accept the fact that my life is never going to be the same again because I cannot change it or bring her back. Everything is different now. Nothing is the same as it once was. I have to find a new normal. I accept the fact that she was a wonderful, loving young women, and I was lucky to have had her in my life! I accept the fact that the sun shone brighter, the grass was greener, the sky was bluer, and the air smelled fresher when she was here. I also have come to accept the fact that its okay to be sad and to feel the pain. This is the absolute worst loss that any human being ever has to face, and I am doing the very best I can dealing with it now. I have learned to take all the time I need to feel the sadness when it overcomes me. Over time, I will be okay. I just have to get through this ocean of tears first. I accept that its okay to miss her and to cry for her. After all, who decides how many tears are enough? There will never be enough tears to show how much I loved this child. I have decided after three years, that its also okay to find a way to live with all my feelings put together. That is the key. I try to accept it, but I dont have to like it or be happy about it. I just have to do the best I can with what I have left and carry her with me as I move forward. Quote by Elizabeth Edwards If you know someone who has lost a child, and youre afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--youre not reminding them. They didnt forget they died. What youre reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift.
Posted on: Mon, 06 Oct 2014 23:54:49 +0000