I think the hardest part of what I try to explain after losing Davey and Johnathan is that my struggle is in finding comfort. I think many believe that I should have this auto-pilot setting because of my long ministerial history or because of the several degrees I have in biblical studies. But this isnt the case. Many have said I have hope...my problem is that I dont feel, perceive, or have the strength to believe that I will hope again. This does not make me anti-God. These emotions make me crippled and they cause my humanity to overwhelm my spirituality. For the first time in my life I am totally perplexed as how how to find my way out of this dark place. I read my bible, I pray constantly, I pray in the spirit with groans and tears and I still find no peace. This is my problem. Ive never been in this place before. Thank you for saying I have hope. I appreciate the encouragement. But sadly, I dont feel hope. I feel nothing but pain. Close your eyes...imagine that phone call. Your child is gone. You will never hear his laugh or his voice say, momma ever again. These things, this grief, is so loud in my head. Just pray for Jesus to make hope louder in my head than the voice of grief.
Posted on: Mon, 07 Apr 2014 23:09:48 +0000