Im a wreck. An emotional wreck. Ive been hit head on by a freight train, filled with grief. Im mourning a loss that has yet to happen. Im drowning in sorrow. I cant see the light of day. It happened fast. This week for some reason has brought about an ongoing fierce battle inside my soul. I have no idea whats going on. Im scared. Im angry. Im hurting and screaming for help... I hate who I am. Thats a rather bold statement to say to 77,000+ people especially with family that gets great satisfaction from that statement, Im sure. Tonight I did something Ive never done. As I put Addilyn in bed (she still sleeps in our bed with us) I gave her a kiss goodnight and told her how much I love her. I asked her to continue to fight and be the strong girl that she is, for me (which I say these things to her EVERY single night). But then, I apologized to her for being such a bad Mommy and told her I would understand if she didnt want to keep fighting... I feel like Ive failed her on so many levels. I feel like I dont deserve her and the Angel she is. This child is my everything. Ive known for the last 2 years and almost 2 months that I would more than likely lose her unless God blessed us with a miracle... He has blessed us with 3 years and 1+ month of beautiful miracles but I am completely petrified of the day He will stop blessing us with miracles and give her the miracle of LIFE. To dance, to sing, to run, jump and play... to be a child; an innocent, beautiful, perfect child with perfect health. To LIVE! Its killing me to write this... But Im so beside myself. Im so alone. I feel like this page is more for me lately and Im so sorry... I dont know if time is nearing for Addilyn or if Im just being an emotional wreck. I dont know where our journey will take us from here but Im so hopeful He will help me find the strength to somehow hold it together because Im falling apart. This disease isnt only killing her, its taking me too and I cant seem to find the happy go lucky, patient, strong, brave, courageous me (regardless of the circumstances) anywhere... Im lost. Im confused. Im scared. Im selfish. Im a failure. Im feeling a little hopeless but regardless, one of the only things that may have hung around - is my gratitude. I am so thankful to have her another day. Even though I dont feel as though I deserve it. Please, please, please dont feel the need to comment. Thats not what I want. I dont want this to sound like a pity me post either because thats not at all the type of person I am. I hope youll attempt to understand my feelings. My heartache and pain. Please, I dont want anything more than thoughts and prayers for her, my baby girl. Im overwhelmed and afraid. Im sorry to be this way. This truly isnt who I am but I cant find the me I am/was... Im sure my family is missing her along with my babies too... I hope I find her soon... Those I love so deeply deserve so much more than Im able to give right now. Please, just be patient with me for awhile. Ill get back there. Its just going to take some time I guess... Your thoughts and prayers continue to be greatly appreciated. Much love and thanks to you all for following our journey.
Posted on: Fri, 03 Oct 2014 04:42:52 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015