In (24) hours I will be turning 40. Its amazing the amount of reflection thats been going on in my mind the past few days. Have I done what I needed to accomplish in my life? Have I made my life a success? Have I done something to validate my existence? Then I decided to do what helps me the most.... Write my feelings and expressions on paper. I spent the first half of my twenties as a starving student, reading all the time and scraping by on poor food and the cheapest no name soda that comes in a giant bottle. I didn’t start traveling until after I graduated, and I felt like I had to make up for lost time. I spent the second half of that decade working horrible jobs for very little pay, and saving it all for trips. When I was 28, I took numerous trips to begin seeing the world. It changed the way I saw myself and the world. I spent most of my thirties trying to figure out what it meant. As my twenties drew to a close, I quit my job and decided to try being self-employed. I didn’t want to turn 30 while working for someone else and practicing under their morals and values. There’s nothing particularly wrong with that way, of course. It just felt miles away from my hopes and dreams. I turned 30 running my own practice. It was a pretty good way to mark a new decade. Those 6 months of struggling to get my company in the black. It actually turned out to be the high point. It provided the memories that would keep me going during the years to come. I spent most of my 30s frustrated and poor. I worked mind-numbing hours to just keep my new office afloat and I was down to the last $15 in my wallet on more than one occasion. That grind went on and on for a couple years, punctuated by a couple small highlights to keep the dream alive, paid for by cashing in a few things here and there. Things broke open for me only very gradually and with much effort and struggle. Ironically enough, it started right when my grandma passed away. She supported my goals for so many years, but she never had a chance to see even the earliest modest success. It was only around age 35 that my work finally started bringing in enough of an income to live the so called luxury lifestyle. I finally was able to provide for myself and my family the finer things in life. It’s been a couple years since then, but it seems like a lifetime ago. I built an business that provides a counseling services, and I’m working to enhance it as much of it as possible so the results are no longer tied to the hours I put in. I still have a long way to go before I’m outsourcing the work necessary to spend the majority of my time on the things I love. But at least it feels like I’m finally making progress. And that brings me to this year. And to today in particular. The border I’m about to cross from one decade to the next. I’m not big on birthdays, but 40 seems different somehow. It’s introspective in a way that turning 30 wasn’t. It’s a little shocking—halfway to 80, and halfway done? It comes with a sense of mortality. A sense of time running out with so much still left to do. And a sense of sadness for lost innocence, and for all those things you will never have again. By 40 you realize that people drift in and out of your life. It’s strange to think of the world going on without me. I remember all those people I went to elementary school with. People I grew up with. We shared our childhood and our formative years. We came from the same small place and shared the same past. And because those childhood and teenage years seemed so long, so thick with experience, it felt like I would always know them. At 40 you realize life doesn’t work that way. People drift. And the thought that I might go through the rest of my life never knowing what happened to those people, how their lives played out, is difficult to accept. There are too many loose ends. Stories don’t wrap up like that. By 40 you realize that your goals can no longer be open-ended. “Someday” doesn’t apply anymore, because you face the cold realization that you only have so many days left. It’s a time to abandon some goals and focus with renewed energy on the rest. If you’re going to get clear about your life, better do it now. I know I have. By 40 you have less patience for time-wasters. I have less tolerance for people who waste my time. For bad service. For things that break or don’t perform as they’re supposed to. I’m much less willing to put up with things, out of politeness or anything else. At the same time, I have a deeper appreciation for good service—because I know from experience what it takes to achieve it. I have tremendous respect for someone who’s skilled at their job. And I appreciate things that are well made and well designed. But all is not decrepitude, gloom and grouchiness on the grizzled fringes of middle age… By 40 you also realize that you’re just coming into your decade of power and opportunity. Sure, I have to watch what I eat a lot more than I used to, despite always having been naturally thin. That little roll of fat accumulates a lot faster on my waist, and it takes more work to melt it off. But I’m stronger than I ever was before, simply because I know so much more and I’m able to apply it. By 40 the uncertainty of your 20’s is far behind you. And so is that mid-30’s worry that things are never going to change. I’m absolutely confident in my knowledge and abilities. I’m satisfied with the decisions I’ve made. And I’m comfortable with my place in the world and the path I’ve chosen through life. Hopefully by 40 you’ve got your finances under control, and you have the opportunity to fund some of the dreams you couldn’t afford earlier on. I’m just entering that period now, and it’s a hell of a lot of fun. If you’ve worked hard over the past twenty years, then you’ve also begun demonstrating mastery of your craft. And that brings new opportunities and new challenges. This is the decade of your greatest successes. I don’t just dream up cool projects and exciting travel schemes and add them to a list. Now I can actually finance them. In your 40’s it’s a matter of deciding which to do first. I have to admit it’s a pretty exciting time, despite the sobering reflections and despite it’s melancholy moments. And—for the next decade at least—it looks like it’ll only get better. I don’t remember where I was when I turned 20…..30….. And 40…? I’m spending this week in Tennessee with my family. Disconnecting from the electronic world and unplugging for a while and thinking about where to go next. I’m excited to see numerous friends and family at a celebration for all of us on November 29th. It will be a time of reflection and insight into the numerous individuals who has shaped and filled my soul with the passion of love and dedication. That’s not a bad way to mark the decade. Not bad at all.
Posted on: Wed, 19 Nov 2014 20:31:11 +0000
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