In response to increasing demands from the Purrsian public, we offer herewith a full transcript of Her Majestys recent State of the Kingdom Address direct from the Winter Palace (formerly the Summer Palace and the Autumn Palace): Lords, ladies, humble commoners, annoying dogs, mindless squirrels, loathsome birds and members of the Purrsian Parliament, I come before you to assure you that I am in full control of the kingdom, despite the recent bizarre behavior of my human servants here at the Winter Palace. Furthermore, I shall continue to carefully guide each aspect of daily operation with a firm and steady paw. I now wish to set the record straight regarding certain troubling incidents that have transpired here at the Palace over the last two days in order to dispel any fears concerning a possible human coup. As the AP correctly reported, the human servants began behaving in a most peculiar manner some two days ago when that suspicious character, Sir Charles of Brainerd, proudly arrived at the main gates after apparently having hunted and killed a large, wild bird called a turkey. As he proceeded to cook the turkey bird, the Humble Palace Assistant began scurrying about excitedly in an effort to assist Sir Charles in preparing other foods for what appeared to be a great feast. Other lowly humans, I was informed, would be joining the servants to consume this bounty. This behavior was most puzzling considering that it was not National Cat Day or Tuna Appreciation Day. I determined then and there to get to the bottom of this matter. While the humans are not capable of speaking more than two or three words in the Purrsian language (and even then, they do so using improper grammar), I, of course, in my intellectual superiority, have managed to decipher their crude tongue. After attempting to converse with them, patiently wading through their nonsensical jibber jabber, I was able to learn that the turkey feast marks the beginnings of a great human festival which culminates on the 25th of December, thus explaining their strange actions (which, as you shall see, were to become yet even more bizarre). This morning, though quite exhausted from the rigors of fastidious royal grooming, not to mention long hours of defending the kingdom from a rogue moth who slipped past the guards earlier in the night, I was rudely awakened from a deep sleep by the humans as they engaged in a frenzy of activity. They chattered happily in their barbarous language and then descended into a mysterious underworld they call the basement where they generally retreat to launder their clothes (I suspect a creek must run through this dark and foreboding region); however, this time they did not take their meager garments. Instead, when they ascended moments later from the netherworld, they brought forth many boxes, each of which I had to then carefully, tediously mark, of course, as the official territory of Purrsia, which required an extraordinary amount of time and effort on my part. Oblivious to my labor, the humans proceeded to gleefully retrieve many oddities from the boxes: large red socks, satin ribbons and bows, strange figurines, and artificial greenery that clearly did not originate from the Great Outside. They went about hanging the socks and greenery and placing the other items throughout the palace while humming along with distinctive music (apparently this is a cultural tradition associated with their festival). Most curious of all, they at last came through the main doors dragging what appeared to be a tall tree inside the palace, after which they positioned it in the living room in front of the largest window. They then set about hanging shiny, sparkly objects all over the tree, placing wrapped gifts beneath it, and lighting it up! I feared they would set the entire palace on fire before this spectacle ended; however, luckily, no fires broke out. Finally, they pleaded with me NOT to climb the tree. Ridiculous. After decoding more of the humans unrefined language, I have now managed to decipher the following Information: The festival centers on two key figures, one of whom is a human child called the baby Jesus, and the other an obese but jolly human gentleman with a long, white beard who goes by the name of Santa Paws. From what I can gather, the humans believe that the baby Jesus came to save them from sin and its resulting punishment in a horrible place called Hell. Santa Paws, on the other hand, is one whom they believe will break into their homes on the Eve of the main festival day to bring toys and gifts, which he will then place under the tree they have dragged into their homes. While I do not grasp the whole sin thing since I am obviously purrfect, I do appreciate the fact that the baby Jesus and his parents respected animals. The humans claim he was born in a lovely spot called a stable, and that lambs, goats, donkeys and many other fellow animal creatures were special guests at the birth. I suspect there was likely a Purrsian there since few important historical events on earth have occurred without our presence. As for Santa Paws, I am not certain how he is connected to the baby (perhaps he is its grandfather?). In any case, the humans have somewhat settled down now. They are snuggling with one another on the couch after having drunk a smelly beverage they call egg nog Earlier, they stood under a small bit of artificial greenery and kneaded each other (I assume this relates to some primitive human mating ritual). I must admit, it was rather touching to see them engage in such sincere but simple, unsophisticated behavior; however, I digress. Be assured that after they go to sleep, I shall venture forth to the top of the tree to survey the entire situation and make certain that all is well with the kingdom. I shall also attempt to further research the festival in an effort to retrieve answers to the following puzzling questions: 1) Why are all the other human socks always put away in drawers except for these large red ones that are now hung up on display for the entire world to see? 2) Why must Santa Paws break into ones home by means of climbing down a chimney? Why cant the humans simply let him in the front door? 3) What is a chimney? 4) Why would one place artificial greenery in ones home? (This practice is utterly useless and quite boring as artificial greenery contains no scent!) 5) Why would one bring a tree inside and not attempt to climb it? 6) Why must we wait for weeks to open gifts that are clearly placed beneath the tree right now? And, most importantly, 7) Will Santa Paws bring me, HRH Foo Foo, catnip, Friskies Salmon treats, Fancy Feast, tuna and more mice toys on a stick?
Posted on: Sat, 29 Nov 2014 04:42:49 +0000
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