Listen to What Others are Saying Beit Hillel and Beit Shammai are two famous disputants in Talmudic literature. They argued about almost everything and saw the world from nearly opposite perspectives. (For example, Beit Hillel says we should light one Chanukah candle the first night, and add one candle each subsequent night. Beit Shammai, on the other hand, says to light 8 candles the first night and then decrease one candle each night.) Jewish law, interestingly, follows Beit Hillel. And the Talmud explains why: In any disagreement, Beit Shammai would always state his own opinion. Whereas, Beit Hillel would always first state the opinion of Beit Shammai, and only then state his own position. In this way, Beit Hillel demonstrated that he was not just concerned with being right, but was seeking the truth that lied somewhere in between. Thats why Jewish law follows Beit Hillel. We see this dynamic in our own relationships as well. Weve all met someone who stubbornly defends a ridiculous position, to avoid admitting being wrong. (The irony is that ultimately there is far more embarrassment in stubborn persistence, than in admitting the truth.) To elude this trap, we can train ourselves to take other peoples ideas seriously. The cardinal rule is: stay focused and calm. Communicate and discuss, rather than yell-and-proclaim. If anxiety about needing to be right becomes the primary concern, you become entrenched in a position. Getting defensive, interrupting, and responding impetuously youve lost the battle. Hillel, on the other hand, was willing to listening to anothers opinion, subjugate his ego and acknowledge a truth not his own. This is particularly important in marriage. Each partner brings to the relationship different insights and strengths. The ways we differ is not a threat; it is our opportunity to grow. If God had wanted us to be free of the need for each other, Hed have created us to split like an amoeba. Marriage is a unit, and when we focus on our common goals, we begin to view life in terms of we, instead of the narrower you-and-I.
Posted on: Mon, 08 Dec 2014 11:25:00 +0000
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