March 19, 1957 - April 9, 2011 This day will forever be a hard day for me. Three years ago on this day, I lost the love of my life. My heart still breaks for all the dreams and hopes that were snuffed out that day. There are days that grief and guilt consume me until I am numb. However, all of the could haves, should haves and would haves in the world cannot change the fate of April 9, 2011. Our lives were ripped apart when we heard the news that Eddie had taken his life. I have survived three years and during some of those days, I have simply drifted in a fog. I feel like on those days that is the Lord’s way of helping me to cope with the loss, and giving me time to adjust. There are times that I feel like it has been years and years since Eddie left and other days it seems as if it were only a few hours ago. I have been through a whirlwind of emotions since that day and there are times that I still get so angry with him, other times I miss him so much I think I will surely die myself. There are times in the early morning before I am fully awake when for a brief second I think all is well and as my mind clears, I realize that the nightmare is just as real as the day that it happened. There have been happy times in these years with the addition of new babies to our family and there have been sad times as well. On every occasion, the first thing I want to do is tell Eddie. You feel guilty if something makes you laugh as if you should never be happy again. Grief is a process and you cannot go around it the only way to survive it is to go through it. Through much prayer and lots of reading and research on the subject of suicide, I have learned a great deal about the suffering that a person in the grips of depression goes through. It wasn’t until the funeral or actually months after when I listened to the recording of the service that I really heard the words that were spoken by another survivor of the loss of a loved one to suicide, that I realized no one can truly understand the depth of someone else’s suffering, or the reasons that could drive a soul to such desperation. Only God knows what is in a person’s heart (Psalm 139:1-2). Only He knows the extent of pain, which might bring a person to the point of suicide. All that is left for us to do is remember the good times and the precious memories that will be etched in our hearts forever. I say all of this in rememberance of my Eddie and in the hope that if you have someone you love that is suffering from bouts of depression do not let them wait too late to seek the help they need. I hope that someday there will be something that I can say was a good thing that came from all of this. Maybe I can help someone else as they are struggling with the same emotions that I have already experienced. Maybe I will start a Survivors Site for anyone that has lost a loved one to suicide a circle of friends where survivors can post stories, feelings, and words to encourage others in the same situation to keep pressing on. We were inducted into and are now members of a club that no one ever wants to join voluntarily. We are the survivors of the loss of a loved one. We are the ones that have been left to pick up the broken pieces of our hearts and lives and stumble through the motions of living or at least muddling through the necessary task required to continue some semblance of a life. Life is a gift from God; that is why it is call the present. NEVER GIVE UP! There are hot lines and emergency numbers to call for help. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number 1-800-273-8255 Love you always, miss you forever!
Posted on: Wed, 09 Apr 2014 05:29:15 +0000
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