More on level 8 writing:Band score 8.0 – writing better paragraphs This is another serious account of how to achieve high band scores in IELTS writing. Last time my focus was on grammar and now it’s on writing better paragraphs and improving the coherence of your writing. This is a problem that is common at high levels where candidates have plenty of good language/vocabulary but all too often don’t use it very effectively. We will examine this problem by taking a close look at the particular features of what is wrong with an essay, rather than just giving examples of what is right. Understanding problems is often best accomplished by exposing flaws, rather than just sugar-coating them and only giving explanations and examples of what is good. So this time I will look at ways of improving a sample of writing from a candidate who has consistently scored 6.5 on the actual exam – three times already, but who is certainly capable of scoring higher. Making the leap out of the 6.5 range and into the 7 and above for most students means restructuring, refocusing, relearning and altogether reproaching the IELTS essays from a new perspective (and for some people, even seemingly counterintuitive) perspective. One thing to remember: in many of life’s pursuits, you go through a certain learning process to attain some level of proficiency at whatever it is you are learning. But, as some point, as is often the case, you basically ‘unlearn’ much of what you studied (thought you knew) in order to surpass that ‘good and respectable’ level that you stagnated at and reapproach the issue from a new point of view. Coherence and cohesion distinguished To understand the problem it is first necessary to understand a little of the difference between coherence and cohesion. Put simply, cohesion (a ‘cohesive’ is a synonym for tape or glue – something that sticks/bonds stuff together) is the linking of your writing by using connecting words (discourse markers), while coherence is making sure your writing makes sense (logical). The important point to note is that it is quite possible for a piece of writing to be cohesive but not very coherent. Cohesion examples To achieve cohesion, the link of one sentence to the next, consider using the following techniques: 1. Repetition. In sentence B (the second of any two sentences), repeat a word from sentence A. 2. Synonymy. If direct repetition is too obvious, use a synonym of the word you wish to repeat. This strategy is call elegant variation. 3. Antonymy. Using the opposite word, an antonym, can also create sentence cohesion, since in language antonyms actually share more elements of meaning than you might imagine. 4. Pro-forms. Use a pronoun or pro-verb (in grammar, a pro-verb is a word or phrase that stands in place of a verb; for example, in order that the verb not need to be repeated). It does for a verb what the more widely known pronoun does for a noun. This term is always hyphenated, to distinguish it from the unrelated term proverb. 5. Collocation. Use a commonly paired or expected or highly probable word to connect one sentence to another. 6. Enumeration. Use overt markers of sequence to highlight the connection between ideas. This system has many advantages: (a) it can link ideas that are otherwise completely unconnected, (b) it looks formal and distinctive, and (c) it promotes a second method of sentence cohesion, discussed in (7) below. 7. Parallelism. Repeat a sentence structure. This technique is the oldest, most overlooked, but probably the most elegant method of creating cohesion. 8. Transitions. Use a conjunction or conjunctive adverb to link sentences with particular logical relationships. a. Identity. Indicates sameness. that is, that is to say, in other words, ... b. Opposition. Indicates a contrast. but, yet, however, nevertheless, still, though, although, whereas, in contrast, rather, ... c. Addition. Indicates continuation. and, too, also, furthermore, moreover, in addition, besides, in the same way, again, another, similarly, a similar, the same, d. Cause and effect. therefore, so, consequently, as a consequence, thus, as a result, hence, it follows that, because, since, for, e. Indefinites. Indicates a logical connection of an unspecified type. in fact, indeed, now, f. Concession. Indicates a willingness to consider the other side. admittedly, I admit, true, I grant, of course, naturally, some believe, some people believe, it has been claimed that, once it was believed, there are those who would say, g. Exemplification. Indicates a shift from a more general or abstract idea to a more specific or concrete idea. for example, for instance, after all, an illustration of, even, indeed, in fact, it is true, of course, specifically, to be specific, that is, to illustrate, truly, The sample paragraph – cohesion Consider this paragraph: “The principal reason why some people take this view is that most multi-national companies certainly implement some specific policies to select employees for promotion. This point, of course, could be demonstrated by individuals who worked in those companies. For example, when I was working in an American company in Shanghai, before each fiscal year, I usually discussed with my supervisor in order to draw up a formal agreement, which was called ‘Performance and Development Review’. By doing this, the job performance I did for several months could be judged by my employer, which meant if it was a good outcome, I would be promoted immediately even though I was only a junior employee at that time.” In some ways, this is a very good paragraph. There is a good range of vocabulary, the grammar is fine and it has lots of good cohesion structures which I have underlined. There is much to learn here though: • this/that/these/those are excellent cohesion structures as they link back to something that was already mentioned • repeating certain words (“performance” “companies”) also helps cohesion as it helps the reader make connections between sentences Another version – more coherent So where’s the problem then? The problem is that when I get to the end of the paragraph, I am not immediately clear what the main point being made was. The main point is promoting staff because of their performance, but in the writer’s first sentence, it says: implement some specific policies to select employees for promotion. The idea about ‘performance’ isn’t even mentioned for a few sentences. This can perhaps be best shown by looking at my improved version of the same paragraph: “Despite these reasons, there is a strong argument in favor of also promoting staff because of their performance. This can be seen by how some multi-nationals use annual performance and development reviews when deciding on promotion. Under this system, a supervisor can set targets for an employee and if those targets are met, then the employee can be promoted, even if they are relatively junior. The benefit of this approach to promotion is that it encourages staff to work harder and rewards merit and not just long service.” Notes 1. Less can be more My version is considerably shorter than the original even though it makes all the same points. Sometimes, it can help your writing become more coherent if you concentrate on using fewer words. This is one of the counterintuitive parts I talked about above – the things you have to ‘unlearn.’ But the fact is, the more advanced the essay writer is, the more concise and succinct the essay is – the fewer words you use. Actually, in advanced writing classes in America the terms ‘concise’ and ‘succinct’ become a major focus of how to write well. Likewise, don’t be afraid to keep many of your sentences relatively short. It can be easier to transmit your ideas if your sentences do not become too complicated. 2. Identify the main idea of the paragraph – put it in the first sentence The first step is to identify what one point you want to make in the paragraph and to state it clearly in the first sentence. This will be your topic sentence. It is true that in much of writing, the topic sentence can be anywhere in the paragraph, but we are practicing formal essay basic structure and how to write a good essay in 40 minutes. So follow the essay structures I am giving you here. As I said in the above example, the main point is promoting staff because of their performance. But part of the problem with the original version is that most multi-national companies certainly implement some specific policies to select employees for promotion is not particularly clear. The idea of performance only occurs in the 4th/5th line. 3. Keep the first sentence short – don’t be afraid of keeping it simple My version uses more simple vocabulary. If higher order vocabulary roles off the top of your head quickly, then use it (most of the time). But since the goal is absolute clarity and succinctness, don’t waste time thinking of overly complicated words -- your purpose is to show the reader what the idea of the paragraph is. 4. Think about how you use examples and reasons – omit unnecessary details Part of the problem with the original version is that the example is rather long and there is a danger that the main point is lost. Examples tend to be “a good thing”, but you need to think carefully how you use them. Do they illustrate the point you want to make. In the sample paragraph, there is so much detail (Shanghai) that the point of the example is rather lost. 5. Consider how you end your paragraph One way that my paragraph is extremely coherent is that in my final sentence I come back to the main idea of the paragraph in a circular approach. This is also called a concluding sentence: promoting staff because of their performance (first sentence) this approach to promotion is that it encourages staff to work harder and rewards merit (last sentence) Practice suggestion Write paragraphs, not essays One very simple suggestion is that you practice writing paragraphs and not just essays. It can be a problem if you only write essays, as it is harder to focus on one particular skill. As you write the paragraph, it helps to focus on: • simple first sentences that identify the main point of the paragraph and relate to the question • consider using a circular approach where you restate the main point in the final sentence • leaving out details that are irrelevant • remember cohesion too (that part of the sample was excellent) Test your own writing: what was the essay question? Another idea is to look at some of your old essays and read the first sentences of the main topic paragraphs. If you have written well, you should be able to predict the question of the essay from the first sentences of those paragraphs. Good Luck and Happy Writing.
Posted on: Sun, 24 Aug 2014 11:32:07 +0000
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