My vitality has been drained to bitter moments within range of potential uncontrollable rage; although, I have done my best to always remain in control of my emotions as best as I could through a variation of outlets. I have felt as if my actions through my hardships have been twisted. In moments of clouded development, I gave up on my dreams. In struggles of pure diss arrangement of hope and logic, I treaded through with hardened absolve. Why is it that I try harder when odds give doubt to intention, and then I am so willing to give up when I am do close to enlightenment? I struggled to find my zen, but now only find it within pure chaos. I once had good grades, scholarships, and a decent career in grasp. I had stability. I threw it away. I felt like my life in front of a computer screen dreaming and developing false realities to obtain a sense of achievement was beginning to fall short of the thrill I was looking for in life. So, I gave up on path I was walking. I floundered for the next couple of years. Tried different occupations like welding, construction, education, hospitality and some others not worth mentioning. None of them really struck me as something I wanted to do for the rest of my life. So I kept searching. I met people that I would never forget over the years. Since college, I have discovered true friends that helped teach me to live. I actually started fighting forest fires with one of my buddies from college. We were so broke at that point in time. Our mentality was that we would make a name for ourselves, because that is how we would make a living within forestry. I worked with some solid Alaskans over the years. They showed me respect and gave me something to show pride in. Forestry returned my confidence in who I am, and what I am capable of. My father used to tell me I could make anything possible if I put my mind to it. I think he didnt see me becoming a wild land firefighter. I made my goals for each year, and I made most of them come true. First was to make a name for myself. Then join a renown crew of interest, become a hotshot and then later a smokejumper. I joined the White Mountain crew on my second year. I finally found somewhere I could fit in and grow as a person as well as a firefighter. I made a good effort to develop myself each year physically and mentally. I would train in the winter carrying firewood over great distances with a friend to keep in shape for the summer season. Trust me those logs I carried were anywhere between 100 to 250 pounds each. I would also make an effort to strive for new responsibilities when available. Before fire, I would consider myself a pretty irresponsible person. I drank too much, smoked too many cigarettes, and didnt have a care in the world. Didnt have a car or a place that I called my own and renting places. I lived comfortably living simple. I slowed down on drinking and cigarettes over the years, I have a car, and I am thinking of getting my own place after this summer. So I have made some small improvements in my lifestyle. Now that I am coming up on my fourth year, I am crossed between two mentalities. I developed back problems last fall. Basically now I am caught between giving up on my career to take care of myself or keep doing what I love. I still have my longterm goals in mind, but I had to make a decision to step down from the crew and work in a smaller position. I just figured I can compromise and work hard after having safety provided first. Rather than having a quote from Predator droning in my mind. I am not soft, I dont have time to bleed. I just want to make sure I can still be out there in the black until I am back to my standard that I have set for myself. I am pretty sure my father and brother disapprove of my lifestyle. My father is more concerned for my safety, and my brother thinks I am wasting my potential. What they dont understand is that I was pretty unhappy for a good portion of my life. Those moments of being out there and doing honest hard labor gave me a satisfaction that was able to expel my insomnia, low self confidence and stresses. I feel free and alive through each day. Not to mention all the crazy, unexpected moments spent with friends that I would consider brothers. People that I trusted my life with, and in exchange, theirs. We have trust in the man to our left and our right. This job is dangerous, and back pains is a common problem. So tell me, if you found something that you loved, would you make sacrifices daily to continue keep it alive? I have already made the mistake of giving up on the people I loved, its not the greatest feeling in the world. So I will say this, I have heard die hard firefighters mention that they will keep fighting until they drop. I have already fallen to my knees. I am not going to let that get in my way.
Posted on: Tue, 25 Mar 2014 23:43:05 +0000
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