Nights like tonight, I remember my first Fog. I was 21, and I was so angry at the world, so angry at myself, so angry at God (which I didnt even believe in, really, at the time), that I couldnt contain it. I wasnt thinking of hurting myself or anyone else. I just wanted everything to hurt, to hurt like I hurt. At the same time, I wanted to absorb all the hurt of the world and hurt like nobody had before. I wanted to embrace the hurt. I was living with my dad and my mom and my sister at the time, and I called my friend Jason and said, I cant handle it anymore, man. I need to get out of here. I need to stay the night at a hotel. Can you come get me? To his eternal credit, he said, Sure. And he came and picked me up and dropped me off at a hotel - a relatively nice one - here in Bloomington. Im sure it was the one that had the cheapest rate without being too seedy, but that doesnt matter. He paid for my room. The first thing I did was take a shower. And then I laid on the bed, on a towel, completely naked. And then I started playing CDs, because Id brought a stack of them and my boombox. I went through several CDs before I got to this song, and then it hit me: This song is about what I was going through. This song is about depression. So I hit repeat. And again. And again. I listened to the song 14 or 15 times, and then I hit repeat again and jumped up and started karaokeing in front of the mirror - still naked. I karaoked at least five or six times before going to sleep. It was the first time I finally realized I dont fight The Beast alone, and I knew what my dad had been through in his lifelong battle with The Beast. And that The Fog would lift, because it does. It was the first time I realized Im sick, and also the first time I realized I could survive it. And it was the first time I realized I was not alone. What Im trying to say is The Fog was rather thick today, but it still hasnt been THAT thick for me. But to Kimberly and Shawna and Cassandra, who have all been in The Fog recently, youre not alone. She said, Its cold. It feels like Independence Day, and I cant break away from this parade, but theres got to be an opening somewhere here in front of me through this maze of ugliness and greed. And Ive seen the sun up ahead at the county line bridge, sayin all is good, and nothingness is dead. Well run until shes out of breath, she ran until theres nothing left. She hit the end, its just her window ledge. Hey, come on, try a little. Nothing is forever. Theres got to be something better than in the middle, but me and Cinderella, well put it all together, and we can drive it home with one headlight.
Posted on: Wed, 08 Oct 2014 06:04:15 +0000
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