ON SAFETY AND THE AGREEMENTS There have been a couple posts here - TopicsExpress



          

ON SAFETY AND THE AGREEMENTS There have been a couple posts here lately on how Games Night can be made a safe container, where vulnerability is protected, and we can trust each other. I really appreciate the conversation that has been happening about this - on and offline - and I want to share my thoughts, because I think about this topic a lot. Im afraid that what I say will be considered naive or judgmental. I welcome your responses to it, because I love this community and I want to be honest (to the degree that I know my own truth) with all of you, and hear your honesty in return! So: After over two years of leading Authentic communities, I have come to believe that agreements are basically unnecessary. Agreements are a way of saying, The space in which we live our lives is, in some way, unsafe, and we are going to create a space here that is safe. What is safe? In my mind, that means either A) I will not come under severe or lasting physical, psychological, or emotional harm, or B) I will not have to endure discomfort (i.e. from somebody saying something I didnt want them to say, crossing a boundary that I assumed was implicit, etc.). My experience has been that A) happens very rarely, generally with people whose skills of empathy are impaired in some way, and no amount of agreements or safe space creation has protected me from those people or experiences. As to B), we walk through life all the time facing the possibility of discomfort. Authentic Relating Games is the place where we get to practice our reactions to the difference between our perceived social norms and those of others - not avoid situations that might cause those reactions. Can we be hurt by others? Yes. Is that worth trying to set boundaries around my world to keep pain away? In my mind, no - because its an impossible task, inside or outside of Games, and because those boundaries keep out love as well as hurt. This isnt to say that a space FOR agreements is unnecessary. In my facilitator trainings, I ask people to create their own agreements. The discussion that emerges is a way of recognizing our already-always-interconnectedness, and our fear of being hurt or having our boundaries trespassed upon because of our already-always-being separate people. Almost always, the agreement that emerges is some variant of Practice speaking your truth. If you have a desire or a boundary, practice saying it. If you feel hurt, angry, appreciated, appreciative, practice speaking that too. Be authentic - rather than confining the world to the sphere of your comfort and becoming angry when others express a different truth. Life is not a safe container. I cannot control who you are, what you do, or what you think of me. But, I can choose how to react. You shared something in the group about an interaction we had that I felt embarrassed about? I have full agency to tell you how I feel about that, in the next moment or one-on-one later in the night. I can ask a facilitator for help, since, yes, its SCARY to practice authenticity. Its not how we usually walk around the world. But it CAN be, and thats what we are practicing here. We are letting ourselves be vulnerable, risking the greater pain of being hurt where it hurts most, in service of learning that the world doesnt end when we feel hurt - and being able to experience ALL of life, by being fully open to all of ourselves. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful.
Posted on: Thu, 01 Jan 2015 17:27:23 +0000

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