Ok so on the way home I was thinking as I often do. I was thinking about happiness and what it means. I used to think it was a destination. If I lived here I wld be happy. If I had more money I wld be happy, when I finish this..., if he loved me id be.... And so forth. But since then Ive come to believe that happiness is inside all of us all the time it lives next door to sadness and anger. All we have to do is knock on the right door. But the part about emotions that are tricky is how they shed their light on us. Just because u r happy doesnt mean u sing songs, smile all day, or shit daisies. Just like being sad or angry it doesnt have to consume ur every moment but it definitely shapes them. So with that, I ask myself how do I feel right now? I feel stress, frustration, anxiety, some sad days, a few angry days, excitement and happy. All day every day I feel any or all of that. I used to tell myself I wnt be happy until I get out of this armpit valley, but thats not true, that was sadness talking. Anger was holding happys mouth shut. Do I feel there are limited opportunities here? Yes. But thats not a factor on my happiness. I moved here with my own prison sentence! I told myself I am stuck here until I finish school, raise my credit score, pay off 75% of my debt, and buy a car. I have 10 weeks of school left and I can cross that off the list. But thats it. Ive paid some stuff off but created more. My score improved but it still sucks. And I still walk so no car. I keep trying to weasel out of my self imposed agreements with things like, Im always gonna have debt or Im just wasting time. And then I add things like Im only staying because of my attachment to him. I need to just go. But that sounds like a week person and Im not week. So again sadness is talking. Strength is finishing commitments. Maybe I am attached to him but at the end of the day if you cant share ur life with the people u love most, then what is the point? Where ever you are, be there We have the power to make our lives as good or bad as we want, it doesnt matter where we are. Im not finished here as much as I wish I was.
Posted on: Tue, 08 Jul 2014 06:09:07 +0000
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