Once upon a time, oh dahling dings, deep in the sandy deserted depths of the Gobi desert, lived a wild herd of camels. Heard of camels- of course you have, but have you heard of a herd of Bactrian camels ? I thought not- because the word that springs to mind when we think of camels is dromedary- but strictly speaking this term is used for any racing camel- whether they be a double humped Asian camel or A Frican camel. Not a fricken camel, because that would imply it was a troublesome camel, and truly they are gentle lolloping breed whose only bad habit is spitting. No this herd of Bactrian camels of which I speak was a roving roaming nomadic herd- the gypsies of the Gobi desert. The patriarch of the herd was Cameron the Chief Camel, and his missus was called Camilla (not because she had a horsey face, but because she was as beautiful as a camellia, a shrub that her parents had heard of, but never seen with their own three- lidded eyes.) Another little known fact is that camels have three eyelids- all the better to protect their irises (not the flowery sort but the orbital sort) from the sluicing forces of the desert storm. She was known to her more intimate friends as Helenilicious- because as an amorous adolescent she was as hot as hell (notwithstanding the soaring desert temperatures),and with her thick fluttery eyelashes, and sensuous closable nostrils she was a squelicious specimen of camelnous ! She had a knack of flaring and dilating her nostrils as she flirted with the boys of the herd, and giving a little snuffle as she sniffed and snorted the desert air to pick up the aroma of camelly pheromones. This would truly drive the pubescent adolescent camels wild, and was one of the many attributes that had attracted Cameron to her when he spied her in the distant dunes. They had been an item for many long decades, and had produced a family of one female and one male camel, called Jonasaurus and Saskialicious (who had inherited her mother’s, and indeed her grandmother Josielicious’ beautiful deep-set eyes and luscious lashes.) And OMG these features were even more gorgeous in the next generation, the eponymous Josielicious II- a wee beauty who was the darling of the whole herd, and a little bit spoilt. One dreadful day, Camilla the camel noticed that the shadow of her front hump cast an unusual silhouette on the sand. It is a commonly held myth that a camel’s hump is the repository of the water that is so necessary to prevent dehydration in these extreme climes. In actual fact it is fat, pure and simple, and although it is composed partly of water it is nonetheless composed of that most awful F word in a girl’s vocabulary-fffffffffat! So when Camilla noticed an unusual shape to her hump she thought “Hell!! Bloody hell Helenicious -this calls for some camelly cosmetic surgery- these cellulitey cells will have to go!” Because although all Bactrian camels are born with two humps, they can function perfectly well with one. They have such a prodigious thirst they can drink 30 gallons (or 120 litres in the new money) in 13 seconds. So long as there is water in the oasis...many a time she had tried to slurp up water from a mirage- not a Mitsubishi Mirage, but a hazy crazy Gobi mirage. So off she went to the doctor of the desert who performed laparoscopic surgery to remove the offending unsightly lump (and the whole hump while he was at it-just to restore a smooth silhouette) and Helenilicious was seen to saunter out of the surgery with a sly smile on her camelly face- and her smirk said “Now I am a really truly unique camel-no amount of youthful fluttering eyelashes, and flaring nostrils will be able to complete with THIS new look!” And she was right- from that day forth the desert doctor was inundated with requests for the One Hump Look !
Posted on: Tue, 08 Oct 2013 09:06:02 +0000
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