One month ago today, at 11:30, I received a call from my sons school. Hilary sounded panicked. She told me Rys temperature was 95 and theyve taken it 6 times. Hes sweaty but hes cold. I shrugged it off thinking that their thermometer was broken. But I sensed urgency and my mommy instincts started to buzz. My boss was standing in my office discussing a case a with me when I answered the phone- so he knew by my mannerisms that something was wrong and when I hung up the phone he looked at me and said Go. Ryder needs his mommy... I called my mom on my way to my sons school- told her he was sick and I was thinking it was enterovirus or something of the like. I told her I had some deadlines to meet at work, and asked if they would watch Ry until 3 and then if he needed to go to the doctor I would take him in then. I walked into my sons school- took one look at him and my knees nearly gave out. He was white, so white. His lips were a shade of pale blue. He was wet from head to toe, but he was cold. He could barely lift his head when he saw me. My whole body was shaking when I took him from the school nurses arms. She had taken his temp and it was only 96. I watched her- clearly the thermometer was working. Every single tendril of mommy instinct in my body was raging- this was a life/death sickness... When he was safely in his car seat, heater blasting, I called my mom and said that I was taking Ryder to the hospital. She asked what was wrong and for the first time in my life I heard and felt my voice shaking. I knew from my mommy groups that the best hospitals were within a short drive, so I headed to Doernbacher. I had every scenario playing in my head- it took all my focus to follow my GPS driving directions. When we got there, and when the admitting nurse saw my son and ushered us right back, I could feel my heart start to race. Was this real? Was that me imagining a solemn look on that nurses face? The doctors started tests, and one after one they became more puzzled. Ry was perfectly fine and happy this morning. He wanted werrow pancakes and sausage for breakfast. He was pink, not stark white. Finally at 9:30pm we were back in our emergency room bed, after a rather long ultrasound. I was talking to my dad about how the vending machine chips were the best ever... ...and a team of doctors came in to the room. My heart sank. My mind quieted. I took a deep breath and read the name tags on the doctors white jackets: pediatric oncology. I just grabbed my heart... The next moments are actually really jumbled. I dont recall much of what anyone said. I stared at Ryder as I heard large mass kidney rupture. I stared at my little boy and then I realized the room was collapsing in on me and I bolted out the door. Three nurses and a social worker held me up as I slid down a wall shaking uncontrollably and muttering jibberish. Surely I was in a bad dream. Our life changed a month ago. Some would say for the worse. In fact, there are moments I think that too. But its not worse. Its different. Its better actually. My little boy has a fighting chance now. If it didnt rupture, and he wasnt bleeding internally, we never would have known until it was too late. This has brought me to my knees. Im scared more than not. Im constantly watching and monitoring. I wash my hands probably 50 times a day. But you know what? I see Ry. I get to hold him. I get to argue with him over taking a bath. I get to give him ice cream for breakfast. I get to watch my heart walk around outside my body. I love you Ninja. Thank you for showing me what it means to be brave.
Posted on: Mon, 19 Jan 2015 20:09:37 +0000
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