Q. What does the average Michigan player get on his/her SAT? A. Drool. Q. How many Wolverines does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. One, but he gets 5 credits for it. Q. Why do women from Michigan wear high heels? A. To keep their knuckles from dragging on the ground. Q. Why doesnt Ohio slide off into the Ohio River? A. Because Michigan SUCKS. Q. What do you tell the U of M cheerleader to pick her up after she smiles at you? A. Nice tooth, babe. Q. How do you keep your family safe from a Wolverine? A. Move to Pasadena. Q. Did you hear the University of Michigan is going to bring back artificial turf in their football stadium? A. Theyre tired of the cheerleaders eating all the grass. Q. Why did they change the playing field at The Big House to cardboard? A. Because Michigan has always looked better on paper. Q. How do you make Wolverine cookies? A. Put them in a big bowl and beat them for three hours. Q. What do you say to a Michigan Wolverine in a three piece suit? A. Will the defendant please rise. Q. What do you call a football player in Michigan who has talent? A. An Ohio product Q. Whats the difference between the Michigan football team and Frosted Flakes? A. Frosted Flakes know what to do in a bowl Q. Why do University of Michigan graduates keep their diplomas on their dashboard? A. So that they can park in handicaped spaces. Q. How do you get a Michigan graduate to stop knocking on your door and get off your porch? A. Pay for the pizza. Q. What do you have when you get 32 Michigan fans togethor? A. A full set of teeth. Have you heard the news? Brady Hoke is only going to dress 22 players for the game against Ohio State. The rest of the players have to dress themselves. If a couple from Ann Arbor get a divorce, are they still brother and sister? A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, Wanna hear a Michigan joke? The guy next to him replies, Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. Im 6 tall, 200 lbs., and I am a Michigan alumnus. The guy sitting next to me is 62 tall, weighs 225, and hes a Michigan alumnus. The fella next to him is 65 tall, weighs 250, and hes a Michigan alumnus. Now, you still wanna tell that joke? The first guy says, Nah, not if Im gonna have to explain it 3 times. Three profs go to Tijuana. They had so much fun they were put in jail and, justice being what it is, were sentenced to death by electrocution. The first Prof sits in the chair. Any last words? Yes, Im from Northwestern and Im ready to meet my God. But nothing happens when the switch is thrown and the Prof is released because it would be cruel and unusual to attempt a second excecution. Next guy gets into the chair and announces hes from Purdue, etc. and again nothing happens and he is released. The third Prof has been watching very closely. When he gets into the chair he says, Im from U. of Michigan and Im an Electrical Engineer. And if you just connect those two wires... Brady Hoke is on the Ohio 5 yard line in the closing seconds of a game tied 14 - 14 and prays for inspiration. He looks to the heavens and says God what play should I call. God answers throw a flat pass to the right. Brady calls the play and it is intercepted and returned all the way for a touchdown giving Ohio State the win. Brady once again looks to the heavens and says God why did you call that play. God pauses and says Hey Woody why did we call that play? When the Heisman trophy winner died and was at the pearly gates, St Peter asked what he had accomplished to be allowed in. The football player responded with all of his awards, yardage gained, etc and suddenly stopped short screaming Look it is Woody Hayes as the man passed by him. St Peter then corrected him saying, No, it is God...He only thinks he is Woody Hayes A Buckeye fan, a Wolverine fan, a nun and a stunning blonde are riding on a train. Suddenly the train heads into a tunnel. A loud smack is heard and as the train rides out of the tunnel the Wolverine fan is rubbing his face. The nun thinks: Serves him right for trying to grab the blonde. The blonde thinks: Serves him right for trying to grab the nun. The Wolverine fan thinks: The Buckeye fan was probably trying to grab the blonde, missed her and grabbed the nun instead. Then she tried to smack him in the face and missed. The Buckeye fan thinks: Next tunnel Im going to smack that stupid Wolverine fan again. Directions to Michigan........ North till you smell crap, then West till you step in it. A family of Michigan football supporters head out to do some shopping. The son picks up an OSU jersey and tells his mother hes decided to become a Buckeye fan and wants this for Christmas. The mother, upset, whacks him on the head and says Go see your father! Off he goes with the OSU jersey in hand to find his dad. Dad? Ive decided Im going to be an OSU fan and want this jersey for Christmas. The father is outraged, whacks his son on the head and says No son of mine will ever be seen in THAT! On they way home the father says I hope you learned something today. The son says Yes, I have. What is it? Ive only been a Buckeye fan for an hour and I already hate you Michigan idiots. A Michigan fan and an Ohio State fan go to the restroom and stand next to each other at the urinal. They finish about the same time. The Michigan fan goes to the sink to wash his hands and the Ohio State fan starts to walk out. The Michigan fan yells that the Ohio State fan and says hey in Michigan they teach us to wash our hands after going to the bathroom. The Ohio State fan replies back. At Ohio State they teach us not to pee on our hands... Michigan babies are soo ugly their incubators are tinted. A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, Your first job will be to sweep out the store. But Im a graduate of the University of Michigan, the young man replied indignantly. Oh, Im sorry. I didnt realize that, said the manager. Here, give me the broom - Ill show you how. 4 college alumni were climbing a mountain. An Ohio State grad, a Michigan grad, a Penn State grad, & a Notre Dame grad. As they climbed they began to fight over who was the most spirited alumni & loved their school more. As they reached the top the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain. As he fell to his doom he shouted THIS IS FOR THE FIGHTING IRISH!!! Not wanting to be out done, the Penn State grad then shouted THIS IS FOR THE NITANY LIONS!!!! and hurled himself off the side of the mountain. Of course not wanting to be outdone the Ohio State grad shouted THIS IS FOR THE BUCKEYES & walked over and pushed the Michigan grad over the side of the mountain!!!!! A Professor invents an IQ machine that boosts a persons IQ to 300 and then starts counting backward. He connects his wife to it, turns it off at 190, and she starts explaining quantum physics. He tries it out on his brother Bill, turns it off at 175, and Bill starts talking advanced calculus. Then he plugs in his cousin Bob. Just then the phone rings, and its a telemarketer. By the time he gets back to unplug Bob, the machine is counting down: 14 - 13 - 12. He slams the switch to off, shakes Bob and screams, Say something! and Bob says, Go blue! A stockbroker, on his way home from work in Columbus, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, Wow, this seems much worse than usual. He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars. The officer replies, Brady Hoke is depressed, so he stopped the team bus and is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He is tired of losing to Ohio State every year and the university has cut back on his recruiting budget. Were taking up a collection for him. The stockbroker asks, How much have you got so far? The officer replies, About 75 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning. An Ann Arbor judge was ruling in the case of a ten year old boy who accused his parents of beating him. After reviewing the evidence, the judge announced that his intention to make the boys grandmother his custodian. The boy protested this, stating that the grandmother also beat the boy. Finally, the judge awarded custody of the boy to Brady Hoke and the Wolverines, since the judge rightly determined that they cant beat anybody. A Michigan fan was sitting at a table reading the Newspaper, The headline read: 12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed. He shook his head at the sad news, then turned to the man sitting next to him and asked, How many is a Brazilian? Some friends came to visit us in Dublin and commented that it sure was windy in Ohio. We had to explain that its really not very windy at all in Ohio its just that Michigan sucks so badly. One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, What setting do I use on the washing machine? It depends, I replied. What does it say on your shirt? He yelled back, Go Michigan. Use Hot Water , A box of Tide and Four Cups Bleach. Maybe youve heard, Brady Hoke has lost the playbook for the game this weekend... Unfortunately, he wasnt done coloring it yet. Bo Schembeckler died and went to heaven. St. Peter met him at the gate. It is so great to have you here Coach. St. Peter leads Bo to a nice little 2 bedroom ranch home painted maize and blue. Upon entering, Bo finds the house decorated in Michigan colors with Ms all over. St. Peter leads Bo to the nice backyard with patio. Bo looks up on the high hill above his new home and sees a giant mansion all decked out in Scarlet and Gray and a big Block O flag flying on the flag pole. Bo turns to St. Peter and angerly asks: Why in the heck does Woody get such a big house and I get this little ranch house?? Oh, says St. Peter, that is not Woodys house, that is Gods house. Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. Becky my darling he whispered. Hush my love, she said. Rest, dont talk. He was insistent. Becky, he said in his tired voice, I have something that I must confess. Theres nothing to confess, replied the weeping Becky. Every things all right, go to sleep. No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I...I have been a Michigan Fan all of my life! I know sweetheart, whispered Becky, let the poison work. A Michigan grad sees an ad for a $99 cruise. He goes to the travel agent and pays the fee. The travel agent hits him over the head with a club, stuffs him in a sack, throws him out the window onto a raft and cuts the raft loose. The Michigan grad wakes up floating in the ocean, along with another Michigan graduate. I hope they serve dinner on this cruise, the first grad says. They didnt last year, the second one replies. Once upon a time, there was a season when neither Ohio State nor Michigan made a post-season bowl game. It seemed so unusual that the teams figured there should be some sort of competition anyway. So they got together and decided on a week-long ice-fishing competition. On the first day, Ohio State caught 100 fish and Michigan caught none. On the second day, Ohio State had caught 200 fish and Michigan still had zero. The Michigan coach, suspecting cheating, dressed one of his players in scarlet and gray and sent him to the Ohio State camp to act as a spy. At the end of the day, the player came back to the report. Are they cheating? asked the coach. They sure are, the player said. Theyre cutting holes in the ice! GO BUCKS!!! BEAT MICHIGAN!!
Posted on: Sat, 30 Nov 2013 18:41:36 +0000
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