This time home I experienced an unexpected but probably long overdue ending, and watched an expected ending not end at all. Both are hurting my heart. The shock of self-induced/others abrupt endings, feeling the anticipation of inevitable endings that are out of my control, in a place where I began; a place so fertile with memories, sadness, fondness, ancient mounds of indifference in every direction inside of me. Recent surprise interruptions snatching me like a hand from behind. My old shoes say run! My core weeps in tender love, longing for what never was, both for others and myself as if with each emotion the roots get stronger, tougher to ignore. New beginnings await me in other lands. A beautiful, comforting distant land Ive visited since childhood, a land Ive always known was safe and good. And it is. Hard to let go of whats so comfortable, so dysfunctional what Ive always had and known, and embrace the goodness of true love, joy, friendship, divine plans. I grieve in the face of my blessings. I know God understands and yet I dont understand and like a child, I want to understand this, all of this... Thats a lie. I dont care about understanding I just dont want to hurt...I want to heal.
Posted on: Mon, 31 Mar 2014 01:00:14 +0000
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