You will have to indulge me here as I have to take care of some personal issues. As you know, I have told you in the past that I do not read the comments of critics in these social media pages! I have many reasons for taking this course of action. First, in my role as planetary saviour, I just dont have the time! Between running all these campaigns and the writings of my commentaries and poetry, my days are pretty much filled up! Secondly, I really dont care what critics have to say about me! That they talk about me at all is a compliment that shows I must be doing something right! But I dont care about that either, because I dont care what people think! My clients are whales and dolphins! I do care what they think, but they cant write on social media pages and even if they did, I wouldnt have time to read them! (see point #1) Thirdly, my critics make these comments in hopes of eliciting a response from me, as if that will somehow validate their pathetic little lives when the Captain acknowledges them and favors them with a response. Well, Im here to tell you that I never respond to such critics! EVER! So to recap: I dont read criticism, it doesnt bother me, and I wont respond! Are we clear on that? Good! Well, Im glad we have that settled. Just between us, theres another reason I dont read much on social media pages! I often miss the intent and get fooled! You probably read that Japanese whalers from Taiji were coming to the Faroes to kill whales! Well I read the same thing! You can just imagine my surprise! So I passed on the story in one of my commentaries, you know,...as a public service announcement kind of thing. Yeah, thats it! A public service; thats what it was... Well, it turned out to be no such thing! It was that little pain in the ass Tony, who I dont know and never heard of, btw, and a few Japanese friends. Now, for all I know, his Japanese friends could have been whalers at some point, I dont know...but its possible that I was right at least about them! Except the woman! I dont think women know how to whale! So maybe I was right on 2 of 5? Hey! Thats 40% correct! Thats better than my usual percentage! So were going to watch them closely to see if they whale! Ive directed Rosie to lay off the cookies and furnish all crews with energy drinks and NoDoze pills! Not that Im in charge of this campaign or anything! She is! Completely! (those vikings dont know what to do with a woman in charge, tee hee) I might just suggest a few things to her now and then! Yeah, thats what they are...suggestions. Im dubbing this part of the campaign Sleepless in Sandoy! Catchy huh? I can just see Tom Hanks playing me when we sell the rights to make a major motion picture about my exploits! Another thing I ordered, er, suggested to Rosie is that no one talk to that Tony guy, who I dont know and never heard of, btw! I just hate his videos, which Ive never seen, btw, and his annoying voice, which Ive never heard because I dont listen to critics. I just dont have the time! But whats with this Pope Paul business, anyway? And Im not a fugitive! Im not hiding, either! There may be places I cant go and countries that might detain me, but Im not a fugitive! Theres some other word for it that I cant recall, but its not fugitive, whatever it is! So I wish hed stop calling me that; but I really dont know who he is! Just some critic that I dont have time to watch, (if I even knew who he was, that is) he doesnt bother me, and I wont respond to him! Are we clear on that? Okay, good! I have some good news for a change! The first group of volunteers to go through court today were found guilty! This plays right into my hands! I now have them right where I want them! The fools! Let me explain... You see, we were found guilty of interfering with the grind! Now thats just what we set out to do! People often criticize us for never accomplishing anything; not that I ever read criticism, let it bother me, or respond to it! But here you have an official court of law, an instrument of the government itself, saying that we accomplished what we set out to do! It cant get any better than that, you say? Wrong! It DOES get better! They also fined each of them a couple hundred bucks each! Now normally, wed pay the fine and be done with it! Probably use small coins just to annoy them! But Rosie spent all our petty cash on those damn cookies last week and now with the energy drinks and NoDoze, were just tapped out! So I had a brilliant idea! We wont pay the fine at all! To pay the fine, is to acknowledge the crime! So we wont pay! Therefore there is no crime! Beautiful, huh? This means I can continue to say we have not been convicted of a crime! Now some of them may do a little jail time, but it will be for not paying a fine; not for any crime committed; which they didnt commit, btw, just so were clear on that! I need a catchy name for them like Greenpeace did with the Tokyo Two, which had absolutely nothing to do with Tokyo, I might add. Im torn between dividing them between land and shore crew, or bundling them together! All of them could be the Faroe Fourteen! These first few could be the Sandoy Six, but then Im left with eight and thats just too hard to alliterate! And I does love my alliterations! But eight does rhyme well; Save the eight! Please Donate! Ill have to give that some thought! Btw, some of their crap got broken and theres a fundraiser to replace it! SS has nothing to do with it so chip in if you want to help them out! Its their stuff, not ours; but we do get to keep the leftover money! Hey, wait a minute! Leftovers...I could do something with this... So the campaigns really going well in that regard! Another way I can tell when things are going well for us is when the fat jokes increase! We must be doing even better than I thought because those fat jokes are everywhere! First, who cares that Im fat! Thats my business! Some critics say, not that I read any of them, mind you! But I do look now and then, (more like glance, actually) and some of the words register; but thats not reading! Theres another word for it that I cant recall just now, but its not reading! Anyway, they imply that it makes me a hypocrite because you cant be a vegan and also be fat! Well, Im just not so sure about that! I look at many of their photos and see that they themselves are fat! And I have no idea if theyre vegan or not! So it could go either way! Anyway, Im not fat! I have big bones and a condition. Even as a boy, I wore husky jeans! I cant wear jeans anymore, but I really prefer these sweatpants! Their soft and comfy and they drop really quick, and at my age thats a real benefit! I just cant imagine having to fiddle with a belt in an emergency! And, hey? Just whose idea was it to start using all these indigestible oils in my potato chips? You ever read that fine print? ...may cause anal leakage! MAY? I wish theyd left well enough alone; the cholesterol I could handle! And I dont waddle like a penguin with an egg on my feet because Im fat! My knees dont bend well and my thighs rub! But Im not fat! Theres another word for it that I cant recall just now; but whatever it is, it isnt fat! Anyway, Im quite content with my weight and my appearance, so just keep your criticism to yourselves! I dont read it, it doesnt bother me, and I wont respond to it! We clear on that? I really took a lot of heat about the Yakuza these past couple days! (see, I can spell it properly IF I WANT TO!) You know that they have had a price on my head for decades now! Its a wonder that Im still alive! Anyway, I read this article online about how human flesh bits were found in canned meat, not a lot, by any means; just trace amounts! This should really be no surprise to anyone considering all the sharp knives and equipment in any modern cannery; theres bound to be a nicked fingertip now and then! I know that when Im in the galley prepping for vegan stir-fry night, I sure nick myself often enough! In a sense, theres a little captain in all of the crew! Oh, god, that was funny! So anyway, I get this idea that since the Yakuza control the whaling industry and the docks, they might also control the canning factory or at least have a set of keys to let themselves in! You know, Someday, and that day may never come, I will ask a favor of you that you can not refuse! In this case, the favor is a set of keys! Im sure you can see where this must inevitably lead! I probably dont have to spell it out! Captain Obvious, here! And I AM a Captain, btw! I have coats and shirts with the four stripes and theyre real, too! So anyway, the whole Yakuza thing was just a what if thing; not the death threats! Thats real! The canned people in whale meat tins? That might be real! I mean it could be! They cant really know how many sets of keys there are or if any are missing, can they? So I write this piece as sort of a conjecture, just thinking aloud, as it were! Well Ive never seen shit hit the fan like that since the time I reminded Australians, just in passing mind you, how those sneaky bastards sank that hospital ship Centaur with all those nurses aboard during WWII! I quickly added an edit to my column saying it was just all satire, but the damage was done! How was I to know that these mindless sheep hang on my every word? Its kind of frightening in a way, but I have to confess that it gives me goosebumps, too! So im sort of glancing at, but not really reading, the comments on my status, and boy are those guys mean! The shit they write! And the venom and hate! Im not responsible of course! Its just their passion showing! What can I do? After all, I just delete trolls and critics from my page! But I dont really read them because i havent got the time, they dont bother me, and i will not respond to them! We clear on that? I hope you understand!
Posted on: Mon, 08 Sep 2014 23:25:41 +0000
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