❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ Normally I would never share something so personal to me but I felt I had to with this and Im hoping in doing so it will reach the people it needs to I ❤️my daughter Caprice Clarke so much this broke my ❤️tonight when I read it ❗️❗️❗️💋💋💋💋❤️💋 PERSONAL -ESSAY English CONFLICT. ..... Caprice Clarke 5b Sometimes I look back and wish Id spent more time with my Dad, after all every girls Dad is their hero or so they say! My mum and dad went through a horrible break-up, one I never hope to go through! As a result of this we moved a lot, me and my dad-less family. It seemed that everywhere we moved there was always something to distort our, trying to be, perfect family. Of course moving this far away from my dad would be hard, ever at six years old. We finally got settled in Edinburgh or for as long as a few months anyway. Where we stayed in Edinburgh it was quite a rough area and my mum only wanted the best for her three kids. After what seemed a long few months we moved back down here and started over. Things really did start looking up for us, starting a new school, new friends in a new place, was just like a new life! As much as I enjoyed staying here id still have liked to be back at home with my dad, after all I was his little girl. I missed his funny stories and his songs that he sung to me at night before going to sleep, but times were changing and so was i.. we were all growing up , realising more and feeling more. What did i really feel most though? Not having spoken or seeing my dad in years. It hurt me most when my big brother went away for the weekend, where too though? He came back with a massive smile on his face, one like id never seen in months, but he also had so much exciting stories to tell me, my mum and stepdad about and I was more than excited to hear about it them! Until I realised he went back to spend the weekend with my dad and rest of my family. What about me? Why didn’t I go? Did I do something wrong? Me being the normal bubbly outgoing young girl I was I had no problem in asking these questions! My mum seemed shocked at first, how did I pick up so much that had been going on? There wasn’t really a valid reason for what seemed to be, not wanted to see me but I soon had given up asking to see him and the rest of my family again. I hated nothing more than seeing MY brother go away to stay with our family and not being able to go, but I felt so let down, I was just so determined to see them but I felt so let down. Months went by and it hurt me more the older I got, when I finally got the opportunity to go see them for the weekend I grabbed it with both hands because after all, we tend to grab the best opportunity’s first! Being back with my family was great it felt so surreal, now that after all this time I had the people that I missed most back into my life. I loved spending my weekends with them all, having my dad back reminding me constantly how much he loved me, I just felt so lucky. These were what seemed the quickest years of my life, being back spending time with the people I loved most. Time fly’s when you’re having fun! All I wanted was a new baby in the family, a niece or nephew, id have the perfect family, after all the hoping it came true! I became an auntie to my absolutely gorgeous nephew! I spent as much time with him as I could, I love kids but having another baby in the family was so perfect! Things began to change though it dose only take one argument to affect an entire relationship . I felt so angry about everything and torn up about all these arguments that slowly began to get worse each time .after months years of the same bickering pettiness I slowly started giving up , making plans when I was supposed to be at my dads because the truth is I didnt want to be there ..... Why was it the people who made me the happiest began to be the reason I didnt want to see them ???? After time it felt as if my dad only wanted to hurt me more , he forgot little things like not texting or phone ask how I was , what I was doing or my plans for the weekend ...he DIDNT really care !!! Me and my big brother (dalton) became really close ,weve never been close we had the stereotypical brother/ sister relationship . Things were changing though , knowing I could go to him and tell him what was wrong , being able to hold a conversation with him without arguing we would spend time together doing things wed never do !! It was so good to have him back and to have my big brother back I always needed !! It didnt last long after he moved out and moved in with my big sister (Vicky) and dad . I tried not to let things change .. But sadly it did , I never herd from him , or seen him no calls nor txts .. We argued all the time , but this wasnt the big brother I wanted ,why couldnt he see how important he was to me ?? Loosing my brother was unbearable , but knowing he was happy and getting on with his life without me , being part of the family I lost , just made me feel worse ! Who did I have to blame ... But MYSELF .. Did I blame my dad ? Yeah Just a little after all my brother choose him over me ..., wether that was the case or not , thats how it felt to me Pin pointing the blame wasnt easy though , it was clear ... I pushed him away , all bye myself . He didnt try to sort things out neither did I surely it wasnt all my fault even though I will admit I was to partly blame also .. Or was it ?? I put on a brave face and pretended it didnt bother me but reality was , not a day went bye I didnt wonder how he was What he was doing and if he was alright That little bit of conflict grew and grew until it became bigger it was something in- needed I missed how things were but I didnt miss the constant negative feelings being around them all Not having all my family to share all my experience s and storys good times and bad is the downside to it but sometimes the ones we love most are the ones we need to loose at some point , just so we realise how much wee need one another and to fall back together to become stronger than before !! Being able to go back to visit my family would be great showing them all how happy I would be to see them all I have so much to tell them But sadly it doesnt work like that and its not that easy Looking back on the last few months iv realised that the ones leaving your life you are making room for better people to walk in Not always coz Id do anything to have my happy family back again but sadly they dont see that .... No matter how much it hurts Ill always blame myself for it My brother moving back home was some thing I wasnt sure about to begin with , but over time we slowly started to get on again , he had more time for me and I had more time for him He feels like my big brother again and the one I had been missing all that time he is there when I need him there when I need to talk to him or just when Im feeling down he is one of the first to ask if Im alright (apart from mum) Not a day goes by I dont think of all my family , they all still mean the world to me I still wonder though , is it my dad I miss . Or just really the memories we shared together ?? Moving on has been hard and some days it HURTS like hell some days worse than others . Having a dad thats still got good health , happy, and loving might ME come across as selfish because like some others out there , I DO have a dad. No words can describe how thankful I am to know he is still here .. But is it only me who feels the same being in this position !! My MUM always told me never dwell on the past coz it will only eat you up and no matter what you cant change it it s life lessons learn bye your mistakes and try not to make the same ones a second time round But sometimes not every girls dad is there ....HERO , maybe its there mum COZ MINE IS ............
Posted on: Fri, 21 Nov 2014 18:57:44 +0000