15 Nov 2013 Its time for me to come clean. Yes, many of you know that I have suffered from depression for a very long time, and not the depression that one gets from not getting a job, or when we woman get our periods or menopause, or when someone we love dies, or if we are going to undergo a serious operation... No, its so much more than that. I dont want it to be labeled as clinical depression, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, or whatever other label people like to stick. It is such a debilitating and misunderstood disease. “Oh, its in your mind, come on, you are strong, you can deal with it. Be thankful you have your health, two fet, two legs, and dont have one of those diseases like cancer, MS, or are prostrated in bed. You are intelligent and I am sure you can snap out of it”. And wallh, by magic and that magnificent pep talk I am perfect and without problems. And let me tell you, it is not that I have problems, more than you do. We all have problems in this life. It is not the problems. So many have worse problems than like when a mother witnesses her children die of malnutrition. I have these problems within, and of course some out there like everyone else. Something inside my brain doesnt work correctly. I can be in the middle of a party and suddenly feel so sad and so out of it. I have trouble relating to people although many people that know me would swear that I am an outgoing and happy person full of energy. And yes, I can be like that, sometimes because I feel it, and others as I am wearing masks that hide my internal tears. When my episodes hit me its like nothing you can imagine. And yes, I have been very strong. Every day is so strong to get out of bed and do what I am supposed to do. I do yoga, spiritual yoga, meditate, eat well, exercise, but still when these shadows take over, its so little I can do.. And still I do, I wear one of my multiple masks and go on with my daily life. There have times that the terror, the panic, the anguish, the hopelessness, the melancholy, the craziness have been too debilitating and I have ended in mental hospitals, which by the way do NOTHING. Just give me pills to keep me like a zombie. But then I get out and it is all the same or maybe even worse. For almost a week I have been enclosed in my room. Just go out to the bathroom and kitchen. Have taken some pills that I found and luckily I have slept a lot during the days and nights. Yes, I think a lot of dying. I picture my death in many ways. But then at the end I am a coward. And my favorite is to take many pills and just go to sleep forever. But how can I do that to my 88 years old mother? People call me selfish for thinking about it. But what can I give her now? I am not happy to be alive , to be in this house. I detest my life. She has to feel it. I thought of contracting someone to kill me, but then I dont want to die in a violent way also giving bad karma to that persona that kills me., Of course, I thought of jumping off a cliff. People know I like adventure and it is a possibility that I fell. My mother will be sad, but she will heal. But I don’t want her to go to a home. I have a little money that hopefully will help her to have someone with her for some time. Another sister can also help. Probably it is better that I die now and that way she doesn’t have to see me deteriorating more and more each day. And of course I will never kill myself here in the house so she will discover me. My daughter is strong. I miss her dearly, buy I have not been abLe to get closer to her as I have wanted, probably my fault. I have done so many bad things in my life that I do deserve to die, and probably I deserve this constant pain and misery, regardless I am so afraid of dying and saying goodbye to the people i LOVE. Not writing this to get your advice or sympathy. Just to let you know and maybe one day you could help someone else. Mine is past redemption.
Posted on: Fri, 15 Nov 2013 14:35:05 +0000