2 hours ago, I was just chatting with a friend on Skype and my computer froze. I turned it off and back on... over... and over... and over... 5 times and then it brought up a screen telling me it couldnt reboot and asking me to choose a recovery source and sign in to our wifi. I did this three times and it failed to recover anything, no mater which way I told it to do anything. Then I restarted it again and everything was back to normal. All my programs open, all my websites, all my documents.... as if it never happened. I literally just spent over an hour on the phone with my BFF sobbing about this and now it just pretends like it never happened. I really cant deal with today. I have had no downtime all week. I am working fulltime and taking 3 classes. And then I get screamed at because I didnt magically know that I should decide to voluntarily work all weekend just... because. I have been getting panic attacks almost every day for months. I feel totally out of control of my life. My sister is having issues that worry me. My computer is dying. I have the shittiest phone it is possible to have -- it cant even download ringtones or games, its just a crapass Nokia whatever that can make calls and text and thats it. Im working fulltime and taking 3 classes and just hired an artist to help me do title cards because I cant do digital work, Ive never been able to do it, I hate it. Im horrible at every job Ive ever had. Im horrible at art. I cant afford to give my family a home. I have no car, no freedom, I cant even get anyone to let me drive the rental my brother got because his car was wrecked. I have no independence, but even if I did I cant drive because I get panic attacks so often and so severely, the last time I tried to drive anywhere longer than 15 minutes away, I swerved off the road twice because I thought I was having a heart attack, and after I got where I was going, I freaked out more than I ever have before and someone there gave me an atavan pill and thats th only reason I didnt end up in the hospital because of how much I was freaking out. I dont know why I havent ended up in a hospital yet. I should have landed there years ago. I should have landed there every other month since I was an infant. I dont remember ever not having panic attacks but I also dont remember them ever being this bad. Ill never get to work tomorrow unless I just stay up all night tonight. If I do that, Ill get even worse anxiety. Im going to feel sick and loopy and panicky all day. Just a little more than most days. I cant live like this anymore. I am so, so tired, and so terrified, and so sick and dizzy and this has been my WHOLE LIFE and I am SO TIRED.
Posted on: Mon, 08 Sep 2014 09:49:28 +0000
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