20-07-2013 Well what a night and when I said yesterday that the night would be one of the biggest challenges and that it was it out did my even wildest expectations for challenges. The drive to Sydney Cate and I left home at 3.15pm with plenty of time to spare and this would allow us time to get to Allianz Stadium by 7pm. This allows time built in for panic breaks and no pressure in case of traffic etc. if I am wound up then Cate gets wound up and the night is over before we even arrived. At around about Chatswood I had the fight or flight kick in and Cate had to pull over for around 20minutes to calm myself. Navigating from the passenger’s seat isn’t as easy as it seems and I missed telling Cate of a turn and then each time I said, “Straight ahead or left right” Cate would reply, “What about if I go left or straight.” So I calmly explained that if I say this way please go this way and we did it without getting cranky with each other so HUGE improvement there. We arrived at the car park 6.45pm. Getting to the seats Walking through the crowd to the ground was a panic-a-thon people all around me police cars lights flashing directing traffic. Shoulder to shoulder walking bumping into people people bumping into me then the noise it was an incredible pressure cooker in my head. My eyes were the size of dinner plates and constantly scanning left to right for any threat or danger, every sound and my head was turning left to right to be sure that I and Cate were not under threat. I stopped several times to adjust my shorts as the back pack kept pushing them down and that is something that would traumatise anyone. I was exhausted by the time I got to the seats, this is a combination of panic and the fact that I am now 182kg. Panic puts the heart rate up and short sharp breaths but the weight is a great concern to me. The Game I sat with my wife Cate and with and 2 other friends one of which Wendy Rooster Wilkinson had really supported me to come to the football and supported me knowing that I was sitting with the rising and falling anxiety. Cate and Wendy sat together and I sat a seat away this gave me the space to feel as comfortable as possible not trapped or cornered. I had my camera and this allowed me to distract myself when my SUDS would go up, the pictures aren’t great but this is due to the fact that I can’t adjust for fast moving and I was halfway up in the grand stand when I get a good SLR with lenses I am sure I can get better pictures but taking good photos wasn’t the objective last night. Throughout the game I was up and down with my SUDS and would calm myself and stayed throughout the game. I even planned my bathroom break to go 5 minutes before halftime so that I wasn’t in a crowd and feeling cornered. During the game I had some people sitting behind me on the drink swearing and yelling garbage with children and families around, we to were yelling as that is part of football however 99% of the crowd were well behaved and enjoyed the banter between Roosters and Sharks fans. 3 rows in front of us were 4 to 5 20 something year olds who were not in the spirit of the banter and kept making it personal and this was being directed at Wendy and Cate, I stayed out of it as it was not out of hand and the girls gave as good as they got and to be honest so far so fair. Roosters won the game and while watching the Roosters and Sharks shake hands and acknowledge the crowd that’s when……………………. After the Game One of the Sharks fans 3 rows in front of us launched over the seats towards Cate and Wendy so at that point fight or flight kicked in. I jumped up and made it clear to this imbecile that he best settle and walk away and at this point he was still at Wendy and Cate started to wave his arms around so I put into play a 3 step plan, ASK then TELL and finally MAKE. Some listen at the ask other push it to the tell but with these imbos no chance of it ending before make. The issue I had was the physical threat no man has the right to physically intimidate a female as I said in the verbal they each gave as good as the other, we all gloated at the Roosters score and the best they had was that the girls should have had to pay for to tickets as a personal comment on their size and that made me laugh as neither is a large person so not only rude and disrespectful but inaccurate. So in the end I had 5 big mouths threatening to hit me hit my wife and friend when one of them attempted to jump over from the blind side and not being sure of who was about to be hit so I got proactive and delivered a right hand that bumped the left cheek of this coward and then the remainder showed their true colours and retreated happy to have a go and big mouth a ladies but when it’s a male then they scream no fair. I had no hesitation to defend my wife and friend and would do the same every time regardless, I drove home with no guilt and no shame for my actions. The 5 of them caught up with me outside the ground and this is the only time I was slightly disappointed in myself as I got into a tit for tat with them lowering myself to their gutter level. I commented that I had no issue with the banter only the physical and I was then told that I hit the smallest one in group that I dog shot, I commented that I hit a MALE I hit someone in the FACE no as he was attempting to blindside someone and that you were attacking FEMALES only to be told that GENDER has nothing to do with it. Made me wish I hit them more than once. Getting home I went through the night with Cate while driving home and went through the scenario to see if I could have handled anything different and I would only have changed the tit for tat outside the ground. Having said that I also patted myself on the back as I only got to tit for tat as I had already hit them once the pre St John of God hospital me would have made a mess of them outside the ground and started a massive fight. Summary I handled the night the best I could and I still have a lot of work to do. I worked as best I could through the rise and fall of SUDS and my arousal reduction strategies worked as well as I could expect. The situation I found myself in was one that as I said before I would do the same again to defend my wife and friends. I need to talk it through with my psychologists to come up with a strategy to defuse me and to not tit for tat with those who have no brains and are happy without them. So in the next few weeks that is my goal to work on the letting it go once I have had my say and too not carry it on longer than needed. Again this is a SUDS reduction issue that once I am in the 8 and above out of 10 I need to be able to walk away timeout once the threat has passed.
Posted on: Sun, 21 Jul 2013 04:03:21 +0000
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