28 days... I am emotionally ravaged. I told the story of how we met in the comments section of a previous post. If you missed it, here it is with a little more detail for those that asked. I was working as a nurse for a local family doctor. A young man came in with poison oak all over his arms and legs. When I walked in to triage him the first thing I noticed was the big smile that came across his face. I thought it was odd that someone could be that happy with half their body covered in an itchy rash! Ive had poison oak. I was so desperate for relief I was actually giving serious consideration to pouring acid on my skin and scrubbing it with steel wool to stop the itching. The 2nd thing I noticed was dyed hair and piercings on his eyebrow, tongue, and ear... Hes definitely not my type. But, that sweet smile was distracting me from doing my job. FOCUS! (I am clueless when people are flirting with me. I can see it when a person is flirting with someone else. Never when it comes to me...it has to be clearly stated) The doctor ordered a shot of steroids and Benadryl. I told Zac I needed to give him a shot in his HIP! Normally, the person would only pull their pants down enough to expose the hip. Not Zac Gant... He dropped his pants, and lucky green boxers, to the floor!!! After a few seconds the shock wore off and I remembered why I was in the room... As Im preparing to stick him he chose that moment to say, Is your name Christy?... Yes.... Ive had the biggest crush on you since 9th grade. I used to walk through the halls at school everyday just to see you. ( I graduated 10 years earlier...He was a freshman when I was a senior. I didnt recognize him, but I did recognize his name.) Im VERY shy!!! Im surprised my face didnt ignite from the heat radiating off of it. The only thing I could manage to say was youre making this awkward. Dont say another word. Just for clarity- We just met, hes half naked, telling me he has a crush on me, while Im about to stab him in the ass with a needle... Awkward is an understatement. Its not uncommon for patients to flirt with their nurse. I didnt think he was serious until he had poison oak 5 times over the next 3 months, and several phone calls at work in between visits with random medical questions. He asked me out every time he came in and at the end of every call. Persistence won me over, and I finally gave in. We got married 10 months later, made a million memories, and we almost lived happily ever after... I normally avoid posting when Im this miserable. In 2 days it will be one month since Zac died in my arms. One month since I buried my head in his chest and literally heard the last beat of his heart. The shock, numbness, and disbelief is wearing off. Reality is too real, and my emotions are stuck on a vicious spin cycle. I feel guilty for being alive. Am I allowed to smile? To have fun again? To be happy again? To enjoy life when his was brutally & tragically taken? I dont know how or what Im supposed to be or feel...Right now Im still too paralyzed by pain for my life to move forward. I have a plan.... The problem lies in execution. My decision maker, planner, and motivating force is gone. I know all of the extremely independent women will not understand that statement. Were southern. We were raised with southern biblical values. Its a way of life... Even the strongest and most independent southern women submit to their husbands as the head of the household, the leader, the protector, the provider (even if you make more money-being the provider is not just about providing financially). Its all about honor and respect for the man you married. Someone said, I miss you, the you you used to be. NOBODY misses that girl more than I do...NOBODY wants her back more than I do... I went through a lot in less than year. We lost a baby in May 2013, Zac was diagnosed with cancer in June, we went through 10 months of pure hell, and I lost half of my existence on April 11th. Unless youve walked in my shoes, you have no idea how excruciatingly painful it is and how helpless it feels to watch the person you would give your life to save -suffering. He was in so much pain he couldnt stand to be touched, but he still stood up every chance he got to hug me as tightly as he could- and he was still VERY strong. One month ago today we spent our anniversary, April 9th, alone. Late that afternoon Zac asked me to lay in bed with him. We cuddled up just like we always do. I will never forget his words in that moment- Im dying, baby. Everything is perfect. This is exactly how I imagined dying would be. Laying here, holding you, just the 2 of us. I will love you forever Christy Gant. For the third time since he was diagnosed I completely lost control of my emotions in front of him and we both cried ourselves to sleep. That was the last time I heard his voice. Zac never really woke up after that. His health rapidly worsened as the night progressed... The last video Zac made for me keeps me going... I need you to continue to be the strong, independent, beautiful, fiery redhead (modified to keep it clean) that I fell in love with. Keep living. Keep moving forward. Dont grieve too long for me. Your smile lights the darkest of days. Please dont let this change you. Dont spend the rest of your life alone. I want you to be happy again. Ill be waiting for you-and when God sends you someone else, make sure he knows I will be watching him too and that youre mine when we all get to heaven. :) To those that miss me... I made a promise to Zac to keep living for us both. I dont break promises. I am temporarily broken. I cant tell you when I will find myself again, but I can promise you I will. Because thats who I am. If you care enough to stick with me through the worst of times- Ill meet you in the aftermath....hopefully even better than the girl you remember. I love you all to Zac & back, Christy The picture below is the man that walked into my clinic, and swept me off of my feet...
Posted on: Fri, 09 May 2014 15:00:06 +0000
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