#486 I want to kill myself. Not in a So much homework, Im so stress, I wanna kill myself type. I literally want to commit suicide. This feeling of wanting to die has haunted me for almost two years now. Every day I go to class, I meet people, I go for club activities, like normal. When I come back home, I usually sit alone and I cry. Usually to the point where I cry myself to sleep. I feel like there is no hope and no happiness in this world for me. People say, Go out there, go travel, read a book, go do something you like. I did all that. But I still feel the same. Even the things that I used to enjoy doing back then, I can no longer find joy in. I used to play music and sports, but now I cant even bring myself to enjoy them. I talked to people about my suicidal tendencies. Most of them just told me, Aiya, so emo for what? Im not emo. So dramatic la you! Im not being dramatic. Haiya, just cheer up! I tried. Wanna die? Go die la! I will, soon. Its not like I want to die. I dont, that is why I asked for help. I even googled about this and if maybe there is a cure. I read that depression is a mental illness. But I cant go to the hospital. I will miss classes and people will eventually find out and outcast me even more. Not like I have any friends anyway. I always sit alone, eat alone, so my tutorial and revision alone, have dinner alone. I think people just hate me. One time I went to Old Town and they asked me to change place because I was alone and a group of people wanna sit where I was sitting. I tried everything. I go to the gym, I join some clubs, I went for study groups but its just me being lonely while surrounded by people who dont really care. It hurts. It hurts even more when I know people talk behind my back saying what a weirdo I am without trying to get to know me first. They just exile me. The only time I have friends is when they need help with assignments or they need a favour. Why do people do this? I cant imagine hurting and torturing people like this. Why cant everyone just be nice to each other? I dont know. Right now, I try to silent these voices in my head that tells me to kill myself by listening to music. But to be honest, all I can think about is whats the fastest and cleanest way to kill myself so that my room wont be too messy when the people come to clean it up. I dont want to burden people by having them clean up after my dead body. If possible, I just wish to disappear so that there wont be any pain and I know everyone will be happier without me around. In fact, if I were to make a list of people who love me and will miss me when I die, the list will be an empty one... I just cant stop feeling this sadness. I dont want people to be burden by me. But I know at the same time no one will miss me. I need help. This is my call for help. But I dont know who to call for. Because theres no one there. If you care, would you help me? Contrary to my opening statement, I dont want to die. Not yet, at least.
Posted on: Thu, 02 Oct 2014 16:02:58 +0000
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