500. So a few days ago i experienced one of the most darkest moments in my life. Most people know me as a person of many talents and well known. Its just assumed Im a person that cant possibly be dealing with depression or someone who has no reason to be unhappy cause its just assumed that Im happy and that Im a person whos constantly earning girls attention and stuck with being some manwhore. Nobody knows that Ive dealt with so much adversity from the day I stepped into this school. From abandoning my family and loved ones from far away, to losing an engagement to surgery and losing my scholarship for what I worked so hard for. I lost it all and barely making it through the skin of my teeth and with more problems from all directions coming at me I lost my sense of touch with the world. I try to replace these emotions and its hard and as a man youre expected to deal with what life throws at you without complaining. I used to be a man of pride and drive. I walk around this campus with a smile on my face and act like everythings fine. Its been more than a year Ive been here and all i try to do is find my happiness here. But I cant... Cause people constantly lie and deceive me and make me feel unworthy of their acknowledgment, I wasnt sure till a few days ago who my real friends were... Id wake up hating my self feeling as if all that has happened is my fault. And when people ask I dont tell cause Im afraid that i wont be taken serious. When I open up people dont listen and just tell me that I shouldnt have to deal with these problems cause someone like me just doesnt experience it but I do. It hurts that my loved ones and family are across the country and that people here have constantly proved that there selfish and insensitive. I never cry but I bottle things up and I didnt see the day Id ever question my existence... Coming to true badger night I thought it would be a great way to enjoy my days here, my friends werent around but I try to accomplish what any guy would want to that night. Im came across 8 girls literally and all of them who allow me to spend time with them and undivided attention prior to the dance and portrayed to be people who were happy around my presence then would quickly dismissed me when approaced for the kiss or even when Id say hello and I try to be myself a gentlemen that I am. Every girl did hurt me although successful At times they made me out to be a creeper or underserving of their attention. From the dry stares, lying, being ignored and avoiding me it made me really believe that Im this monster this... Person who doesnt deserve to live... I broke my phone that night and went insane I was furious that each grrl even the ones who kissed me would hurt me like that from being a honest friend to the worlds ugliest disgusting horrible person in the face of the earth... I dont know what happened next, I was blinded by fury as to why I deserve to be treated like a piece of shit.. I sought for a friend to calm me down but there was no one... I walked around streets thinking about whether or not my life has value the darkest thoughts came and thought about my struggles and misfortunes since I came to Utah...and I believed truly I shouldnt live. All the adversities Ive dealt with my life came back to me and assured me that I should just kill myself Im undeserving and if I died nothing would matter. The ball of emotions I held finally came out and I tried to jump in front of a car.... Never in my life Ive went as far as this... As I tried to pick the car to run over my worthless body.. my knees started shaking my breathing started getting heavier and I fell... Missed the car.. And I saw my cross on my chest and remember God I couldnt help but cry.. Cried harder than I ever did in my whole life... I started to realize what I was going to do... And I needed an answer from Him... And as the tears crash down I... I wished for an answer... Stranded at night in the middle of the road someone stops and asks whats wrong I couldnt even talk... But out of nowhere my friends were there and they came and grabbed me and rescued me. The angels got sent down open my eyes and realized that I dont deserve to die... I spent the whole night with them and they gave me the most impacting advice. I snapped out of the delusion I had and my outlook in life change. I learned a valuable lesson and A lot..Dont try to impress anyone and be with those who appreciate you and treat you with respect. I have a lot of cutting ties to do but whatever its takes to regain my happiness and to go forward Im willing. My advice goes to those guys who feel the same way I did.. And I want to help you realize your life is meaningful and patience helps and to take my story and understand that no one in this world is worth taking your life for.... no situation is worth it. Be happy enjoy life and spend it with those who actually care. People love you and you might not realize it but be grateful for another day because this life is the only one youll get.. And each day will get better.. Today is another opportunity to improve your life it literally takes an instance to change it all...so dont self pity on your luck. You only get stronger and eventually life will get better. If you have no one too, I really suggest going to the wellness center theyre great people to talk to. God bless you all who feel with me it aint easy and youre not alone but I assure you... Everything will be okay. Patience. Relentless. Virtue.
Posted on: Tue, 14 Oct 2014 06:34:46 +0000
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