#5099 For countless years, Ive wanted to scream and sob or do something to change, but could do no more than groan at the mild pain throbbing in my left index finger. Ive wanted to experience emotions beyond this restless and pervasive sense of indescribable and unemoted ill-being and displeasure... is it disappointment? Hopelessness? Isolation? Ive wanted to do anything purposive. Ive wanted to meet and befriend someone - anyone - who shares a worldview remotely similar to my own (though Id settle for someone who respects it despite its inhuman emotionless). Im tired of being the robot who must be corrected with a display of overacted exasperation. No stupid robot, even if its well reasoned people just dont think that way. Then, I guess Im not quite a person. Im tired of the tedious personalities of the people who share my hobbies, and the lacking connection in interests of the people with whom I spend time. As a kid, I never asked for birthday or holiday gifts, never asked my parents for treats in the grocery store, never gave my preference for anything. Never asked my friends to go out of their way for me. I used to think I was the most diplomatic and accomodating one around - thats what kept the stepparents from losing it, so it must have been good for everyone else. I guess instead its just made me a blunted, indecisive chore to be around. But I doubt I could change even if I had the energy. In an odd way, I envy the Schizophrenic who, similarly blunted and isolated, is able to form a world of her own to engage with.
Posted on: Tue, 25 Nov 2014 09:18:59 +0000
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