6 ways on learning how to swim 1. toes first when i was younger i thought i was beautiful. not like the other girls, of course, but i thought that the sun followed me around because it thought i was pretty. and i am a shop-a-holic. money burns a hole in the back pocket of my jeans because i love to spend it. but i do not like to go shopping. i love the idea and hate the activity. there are few days that trying on clothes brings me happiness because there are even fewer days that i love my body enough to look in a mirror. but i am trying. (i love this dress! i cant believe that it fit! i dropped another size! taylor. what, mom? why are you looking at me like that? ...oh, please. one size?) 2. floating there are days when i dont leave my house and there are days that i spend the time to put on makeup and nice clothes to open the door and feel the fresh air and to admire all the lovely, smiling, silently judging people who i think are looking at me, but they probably arent. i missed a friends party because i was afraid of people not wanting me there and being left out. so i stayed home, her wrapped present in hand. but sometimes i do speak up. i tell people what is on my mind. when i am shot down, it is hard not to cry in front of them, but i dont. i remember when i used to not be like this. i used to be assertive first, then kind second. i used to not care so much about what people thought. but now i can feel everyones eyes on my back, and goddamn, its some heavy weight. 3. doggy-paddle wow, you dont eat much, do you? i dont like pizza all that much. you should eat more. dont be so picky. wow, are you going to eat all of that? well... im hungry. i havent really eaten today. yeah... okay. im going to get seconds. okay. arent you coming with me? no, im just going to stay and finish this. um... okay, fine. im leaving. why are you still shaking? because i never win anything in my life. 4. tread water sometimes, yknow, the food doesnt even come up. i sit on my knees at the toilet, fingers in the back of my throat, dry-heaving and coughing up dirt from my lungs, but somehow, my stomach acid doesnt rise. its like its trying, trying so hard. it just doesnt want to be emptied into the toilet. and i have to push, push, push my stomach and stick my nose near the god-awful smelling toilet and i have to prod around the back of my throat to finally throw up the meal that i just ate. and i am not proud that my body will not stand for this anymore. 5. dive head first im buying this dress and wearing it to the awards ceremony. you sure about that? i turn in the mirror of the dressing room, blocking my mothers words out and looking at myself from all angles. i look terrible. my bottom is too large, hips too wide, stomach too prominent. arms too big, legs too fat. the dress is a little big on my frame. yes, i tell her, nodding. yes, i am. my partner and i get called on stage for the top ten. while i wait, i pull the skirt of my dress down, holding it as we walk up the stairs and into the bright spotlights on the stage. she rubs my back, calming me. you look great. the dress is so cute. dont worry, were going to do good. the fifth place is called and i look back at her, but she smiles nervously. we move down the line. its down to us and one other school, a pair of boys next to us. and when they call them for second, i feel tears surface. my hands cover my mouth as i look back at her in sheer happiness. we both do a happy dance before i go up and shake the state officers hand, thanking him and taking our plaques. we eat lunch together in celebration, and in the wave of happiness that we have won first in our state, i eat every single bite. i wear the dress all day. somewhere along the line, i realize that i feel beautiful. 6. swimming maybe beauty isnt as synonymous with appearance as i thought it was. but people will stare, and i hope to god that i make it worth their while.
Posted on: Thu, 27 Mar 2014 01:02:17 +0000
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