9/30 I found myself revisiting the purpose of my poetry today A young girl tells me she doesnt want to write anymore because she lost a slam And now her mother tells her all of this poetry nonsense is pointless A part of me hearing my mothers echo: How to her, this is just a hobby to me Unknowing that this is the only thing that has kept me alive when I felt dead inside How inconsistent money has led to me still being able to breathe There were plenty of stages in the last few years I didnt want to admit was depression I told myself if I didnt cry, that meant I was strong, that it held everything down Ignored the pieces chipping from my faux armor Im remembering what my broken feels like For the past three months, Ive been lying to myself I let a woman who did not love me rip my sanity to shreds In turn, I lost some of the only pillars Ive had in my life I dont have any of the people I once considered brothers I now know Alone on a first name basis Today, I cried in the arms of myself for the first time Im not as stable as social media would imply Every time I run into an old friend They tell me theyre proud of me Because I am chasing my dreams Theyve seen me on t.v. Or on YouTube And I say thank you, Im just trying to be honest. What I mean to say is: I want to tell you I am broken. That sometimes I become numb to my own words Because I dont believe this poetry can save me all the time It at least keeps me treading water Keeps me afloat When I was 5, I almost drowned in a lake It was the first time I knew fear tasted like salt Right before I quit, my grandmother came pulling me out of the abyss As of today, I havent spoken to that grandmother in 7 months And I still feel like Im swallowing the sea whole I havent been able to call anyone best friend without an asterisk attached I dont trust people like I wish I could Reason why Im afraid of falling - Im afraid of letting anyone catch me So I turn myself off emotionally Teach myself to feel in three minute lapses Ive been performing my pain To avoid facing it in real life But Im weary now I miss having the ability to love and trust unconditionally Havent been able to open up to anyone Hiding behind the image my resume made of me Im not all that I want to be yet Im still not content with what my mirror shows me Im not the father I want to be yet Not the poet I want to be yet Nor the man I want to be yet And I feel like theres really no solution to it Ive been told the world doesnt care about my whining So I do my best to not complain I just ask to be held and ignore it until I can function a little while longer I dont feel safe enough to cry Because I cant take a day off I keep moving because if I stay still Ill be accused of ignoring my responsibilities So I run, and avoid sleep, until I run myself into the ground And then I keep running because I dont have time to be broken Tears have no place here And theres really nowhere I can confide this and feel safe So I mastered the art of small talk Keep enough conversation for people to think I have it all together Today, I was told that it was okay to be broken As long as I dont wallow in that pain I guess this is me putting all the pieces in one place And hoping I can put it back together Right now Im not as strong as I would like to be And I feel like Im running out of options I believe I have the potential to be great I just think Ive ruined my chances at reaching my goals though Ive been told that once my daughter was born My goals had to become secondary. That her needs were always first A part of me is still a dreamer that believes I can achieve both Another part of me believes Im a dumbass for thinking that I fear the quiet moments in my life It leaves too much time to think of everything thats wrong This too, is why I keep moving Why I dont come home until the earliest hours of the morning I make sure Im too tired to think about my struggle I leave home every day in an attempt to run away from my thoughts Keep people and action around me to feel Im being productive Hoping that I can fix all of my problems before I have to face them Any quiet moment I get reminds me that I have nowhere to turn And that I dont know what questions to ask I feel hopeless sometimes But you would never know that on stage I can smile enough that the camera wont notice the flaws I can do it for the vine And fall to pieces in private My best persona poem is living I said in one of my poems that the man I am Would bring the man I should be to tears Thats the moment I connect to most in any of my work Because the image I have of what a man should be Is far better than who I am I wish I had it all together I wish my mother didnt have to struggle I wish my daughter was set for life That I had a degree and a great job That I could move my child and her mother into their eon home That I could just be the savior But I havent even learned to save myself yet And Ive been trying to be everyone elses anchor I guess this is what drowning feels like again That tears taste like my fear does So thats why I hide them Why I keep swimming Im trying to hold it together But Im realizing there isnt much left to keep me standing I guess this is me finally admitting to myself That I cant do this alone anymore
Posted on: Thu, 10 Apr 2014 03:24:55 +0000
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