A MILITARY SPOUSE’S VIEWPOINT The Military Separation: What Can You Expect? When the separation finally occurs, for many spouses this is a reality check. Until now there was the possibility of a change in orders or some other eventuality to prevent departure. But the separation is inevitable, and the spouse must cope. When your spouse leaves or deploys, a piece of you goes too, but that’s what you want...for part of you to be with your spouse. You find that you, too, keep your spouse present with you. You may sleep with their picture on your nightstand, or you may leave a pair of their shoes by the front door. When your spouse leaves, you go through a whole series of different emotions. About 6 to 8 weeks before your spouse leaves you begin to “psyche up” for the departure, and you both get very busy thinking about details that need to be tended to before departure. You both may feel excited, intimidated, and maybe a little worried about how you will manage. About 3 to 4 weeks before your spouse leaves, you begin to put distance between the two of you, build a few walls, maybe withdrawing from each other. You become irritated with each other and you may even have a fight. This distancing reaches a peak about 2 to 3 days before your spouse leaves when you both think they should be gone so that you both can begin counting down to the reunion...which may seem an eternity away! This “distancing” is normal and allows you to permit this person who is so very important to you to go away...for a while. When “THE DAY” arrives you may drive your spouse to the base and be thinking that some way, something, somehow, will keep them home. Whatever you say to each other may seem awkward and not quite right, and afterward, when you reflect on not seeing each other for a long time, you may wonder why you couldn’t have been more romantic, or have given a “warmer” good-bye. YOU ARE NORMAL! For the first day or so after your spouse leaves, you may feel like a robot, just going through the motions, almost like you are in shock. You might just want to stay home. You may not want anyone around you. You may wonder if it was easy for your spouse to leave you, after all, your spouse seemed to be excited about going on assignment or deployment. You may feel overwhelmed by all the responsibilities you are facing. Then you may get angry with your spouse, with the Air Force, your spouse’s commander or duty section, perhaps even with the whole world! How could your spouse leave? You will get over that too, and find you can handle the separation. You’ll probably find yourself within a few weeks beginning to settle into a pattern. If you don’t find some comfortable pattern or routine and continue to feel upset, call you Family Support Center. They can give you information and or assistance to help you over this hurdle. The new pattern of your life while your spouse is gone may find you a little more subdued, and certainly lonely. Sleep may come a little more easily in the first few weeks of separation, but probably not as easily as when your spouse is at home. Food may finally begin to taste less like sawdust. You may find from your spouse’s letters that they are not angry with you, just lonely, and missing you. IF YOU FIND A ROUTINE THAT WORKS WHILE YOUR SPOUSE IS GONE, STAY WITH IT! THAT REGULARITY, THAT RITUAL IS VERY COMFORTING! Six to 8 weeks before your spouse comes home, you may begin planning for the homecoming. There are decorations to make, and special meals to plan, and nagging worries: WILL MY SPOUSE HAVE CHANGED? STILL LOVE ME? APPROVE OF THE CHANGES IN ME? HAVE THE SAME CLOSENESS WE HAD BEFORE? As the time grows nearer, you will probably get more excited, may sleep less, and launch into a frenzy of house cleaning. In your mind you play over and over again various versions of the homecoming. You imagine.... You see the reunion in slow motion, over and over again, like in the movies; with sunlight and fields of flowers, and you two as the only people in the world. In the last few days you seem to find yourself feeling many different emotions. Butterflies keep you awake at night. You should be happy that your spouse is returning, and you are, but you are also apprehensive. For the past months you have been the head of the house and you really haven’t had to answer to anyone for where and when you go, or what you spend money on. You have had the bedroom all to yourself and you’ve taken care of the family’s finances. Maybe you feel like your hard-earned independence is at stake. You are proud of surviving, and maybe even thriving while you spouse has been gone. You’ve missed your spouse terribly, but you’ve learned you can manage quite well while he/she is away. Corrigan, D. J. (2004/2010). Military Deployment Guide. Palmdale, CA: Brighter Life Counseling Center. The Big Day arrives and you’ve probably not slept well at all and you’ve spent hours trying to look your best. You finally have the reunion. There may be raindrops instead of sunlight, and instead of fields of flowers, there are fields of people at the hangar. The hugs and kisses are every bit as good as you remember, and your spouse raves about how good you look and you tell your spouse they’re a sight for sore eyes. Your spouse tells you that they are proud of the way you kept the home fires burning, and it doesn’t matter that you didn’t save more money, and you want to believe our spouse, but there is something in their face, perhaps something in their voice. Understand that your spouse too, is apprehensive about the homecoming, and they also want to be very, very right. They may be a little unsure and may wonder if maybe you have learned to do without them too well...perhaps they’re not needed, or wanted anymore. You KNOW your spouse is wanted AND needed, and you should tell them that again and again !!! When you are back together again, take some quiet time to sit together, holding hands and talking about what happened. You need to listen to each other and you both need to talk. You have a thousand questions to ask, as does your spouse, and you both need reassurance that everything will be okay. Realize that you both have grown during your time apart and it is important for each of you to allow the other to have some space and time alone. The time to reestablish old patterns and to establish new, better ones, takes several weeks; so don’t expect to fall back into “How it was” overnight. Take time to enjoy the intense pleasure of reuniting as a couple. Keep this in mind as you face a family separation: a. The leaving and returning are never easy, but it does not last forever. b. Rarely are the separation and the reunion exactly as you would have imagined. Both have their drawbacks, but both also have their rewards. c. The important thing is that you both survived the separation. Remember the time apart, what you learned, what you liked, what you did not like, and apply these lessons to similar experiences you may face in the future. It will help to make you a stronger, better prepared husband and wife team.
Posted on: Sun, 06 Oct 2013 21:44:38 +0000
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