A Testimony: My feet have been to the fire in the past month. - TopicsExpress

A Testimony: My feet have been to the fire in the past month. I came away from my trip confused, alone, angry at God, wondering what IS THIS and WHY. I took it to my Father Bill: what about this scripture, Father? 1 Corinthians 10:13: There hath no temptation taken you but such as man can bear: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation make also the way of escape, that ye may be able to endure it. WHAT????? My daughter was reading the bible, she was raised to love Jesus and God, she was BEGGING FOR RELEASE FROM HER TORMENT. WHAT?????????? His prayerful explanation: Gods hands cup you, He will not let you fall through the crack, His grace and infinite love will catch you when you fall in innocence, in the biological inability to keep going. Yes. His penance: One Hail Mary for TRUST, one for PATIENCE, one for PERSEVERANCE. Last night, I called an old friend who helped me enormously (he was my next door neighbor) as my daughters illness progressed. He was there, with me, in my house, twice, when she was taken to the hospital by cops. As I spoke to him (his family is in serious crisis, a son in NY State penitentiary, a younger son struggling to get through high school and maybe not in the best company) I realized from what he was saying that he was in the middle of a breakdown: a psychotic breakdown. And I recognized myself when I decided I could not, ever, institutionalize my beloved daughter (even though it was really the only viable alternative). In that recognition, I knew only one thing: I had to give her the way out and I had to do it to myself at the same time because I could not kill my daughter, and live. She would have gladly participated because it was what she waiting for: me, to DO SOMETHING. And so: I could not shoot her, ever. I had to find another way. And I did. I found the source of a drug used to euthanize animals, in Mexico. I found a contact. I did the research for how many milligrams were needed, INTRAVENOUSLY, to end a life PEACEFULLY WITH NO PAIN OR HORROR. My problem: how could I give an intravenous injection (never have), where could I learn it? And would I be able to give MYSELF a sufficient amoun to die. I was in a psychotic state, I was in the middle of a nervous breakdown, AND I DID NOT KNOW IT. The thought of what this would do to her father, this double death, what it would mean to her therapists, to the psychiatrist from Columbia University who was trying to help us both, to the community, to the first responders: THERE WAS NO THOUGHT. For those of you who have lost loved ones to suicide, let me assure you: they were unable to think of anything except GETTING OUT. I have lived a lifetime caring for others and am exquisitely aware of how my actions affect others. In this instance, IT DID NOT MATTER, IT WASNT EVEN IN MY CONSCIOUS THOUGHT PROCESS. God took control. Not the UNIVERSE some of you speak of. The universe is His creation. There is only ONE in control and yes, we have free will; the entire creation has free will. This explains pain, sickness, bad decisions, evil acts, tsunamis, earthquakes.....BUT GOD IS STILL IN CONTROL. It was never His intention for me to SIN in such a major way. I have had a lifelong relationship with HIm. NO HE WOULD NOT ALLOW IT. He gave her a way out; he shut my eyes and ears that day, he shut down my strong intuition. He saved her. She is in Paradise. He saved me. I will someday be in Paradise because of His great mercy and infinite love. We are not without great price. We are loved beyond our ability to comprehend. His Hand is in our lives; His Spirit is in our hearts (This is what was meant when Jesus said The kingdom of heaven is within you.) Ive seen the world, now. And the most enduring thing in every single place is the glory, the endless beauty even in the poorest space, Look into the eyes of everyone you meet and you will see it: the beauty, the Spirit. He and she: they are YOU. The last visit I had with my precious daughter, we hugged, we spoke, and I asked her (looking into her blue, blue eyes) ARE YOU IN HELL and her answer was: When you are in despair, in great pain, when you are hopeless, PRAISE HIM. Praise Him. They are leaving. The birds. I see them. Songbirds, Robins, Blue Heron, Snow Geese, Blackbirds of every variety, predators.....they are going to the next place following the ancient imperative, the DESIGN. I go also, one day at a time. And tomorrow I will fly away; some day, I will fly away and I will take my daughter by the hand and stand before the glory of God. youtube/watch?v=Ny4izkgnX_k