A comforter of drowsiness has been smothering me pretty much all day. I am trying to convince myself it is just an artifact of my hyperawareness of anything unpleasant, that—like so many of the other venal symptoms I have been afflicted by over the years—somnolence itself accounts for a small share of my problem; that mostly it is my reaction to somnolence (or X, whatever X might happen to be) that triggers misery. Why not just take a short nap, awake un-refreshed, suffer through the mood-dampening post-sleep-inertia that naps invariably leave in their wake in those like me who cannot be restored? Surely this is what most people do, right? But what do I know about most people? I live so much in my own sphere that when I look at others I see me projected therein, and feel empathy only for whatever venal unpleasantness I imagine they are sharing with me at this very moment! These blackguards from the [ ] Foundation were supposed to call me for an interview 35 minutes ago, but they have not called, and I am not sure they are going to call. I wonder to what extent I am being enervated by a life that is fast being drained of any sense of meaning or purpose? Very little do I look forward to. Very little reason do I feel to stay awake. Fun seems like a distant memory. At most, there are little animal pleasures, like eating, and—sadly—succumbing to sleep when the urge to surrender becomes all but overwhelming. It is only pernicious introspection aggravated by malfunction of my wake-sleep brain mechanism. Many must have it, even if I can’t bring myself to believe these many, in fact, exist. And on this note, I await a call that is not likely to come, in order to ask questions whose answers will almost certainly be cut from the final product, which itself will contribute little to anybody, and about which I can only hope to do as little damage as possible while securing my stipend for as long as possible to slow my descent into insolvency for whatever duration I can stand to persevere. I think I will take a rest. The unrung phone mocks any further attempt to remain conscious!
Posted on: Mon, 17 Jun 2013 19:52:31 +0000