A little satire for a Wednesday morning: “There’s someone here to see you,” Bob’s secretary Susan told him over the phone. Bob had been getting a headache trying to figure out how to get his company to comply with the new health care laws and was actually happy to have a distraction. “Who is it?” “It’s President Obama.” Bob’s heart sank. “What’s he doing here?” “He said he’s pivoting to jobs again so he’s here to help businesses.” Bob took a deep breath. “Well, tell him I’m not here.” There was a pause, and then his Susan said, “He says the NSA told him you are in your office right now.” Bob sighed. “Fine. Send him in.” The door opened and a smiling President Obama walked in. “Hi, Bob! I’m pivoting to jobs! I’m here to help your company!” Bob forced a smile. “That’s great, President Obama, but I really have things under control.” “No, you don’t,” Obama said, looking around the office. “You’re not creating enough jobs.” “Well, I’m have a hiring freeze right now while we’re figuring out how these new health care laws affect things.” Seeing the change in Obama’s mood, Bob instantly regretted saying that. “That law is to help everyone get health care,” Obama said, frowning. Bob rolled his eyes. “And it’s doing a great job at that. But it’s kind of… troublesome for businesses.” “Well, don’t worry about it. That’s why I’m here: To help your business. Maybe I can make you more efficient.” Obama looked around for something to fix. He went to a file cabinet and heaved it over so it fell on the ground. “You just knocked over a file cabinet,” Bob said. “How is that supposed to help me?” “Maybe it works better that way.” “Maybe it works better… lying face down on the ground so I can’t access the drawers?” “Hey! I’m trying to help!” Obama shouted. “You should thank me for helping! Would you rather I not even try to help you?” Bob rubbed his temple. “Do you want an honest answer on that?” Obama walked over to Bob’s desk and saw a paper there. “Is this your payroll? You should pay people more.” “And how will that help me hire more people?” Obama looked excited. “If you pay them more, they get more money to spend in the economy and I get more taxes from them. Everyone wins!” “Is that how things work?” Bob asked, exasperated. “Yep. I could have Paul Krugman come over and explain it to you if that helps.” “No… that’s okay. I don’t have more money to increase salaries right now, though.” “There’s more money right there.” Obama grabbed a wad of cash off Bob’s desk. Obama then stuck it in his pocket. “Actually, I need this.” “You can’t just take my money like that.” “Yes I can. I’m giving it to RegTek.” “What?! That’s a competitor of mine! How can you do that?” Obama looked confused. “It’s a subsidy.” “And how is taking my money and giving it to a competitor going to help me hire more people?” Obama was silent for a few seconds as he thought long and hard on that. “It’s a subsidy.” “I don’t want to be insulting, Mr. President,” Bob said as calmly as he could manage, “but I don’t think you understand how businesses work.” Obama looked mad. “Nuh uh. I’m very smart. Say I’m smart.” Bob shook his head. “No.” “As President of the Un Hanited States, I order you to say I’m smart!” Bob folded his arms. “You don’t have that authority.” Obama tried staring him down. “I don’t like your attitude, Bob. You think you’re so big because you have a business, but you didn’t do this yourself. Other people built this building.” “I know that,” Bob said firmly. “I paid them to do that.” “And it was the government who laid down these roads,” Obama continued. “So what? Do you want a medal for hiring people to lay down some asphalt?” Obama thought on that. “Yes. I would like a medal and for you to tell me I’m smart.” Bob took another deep breath. “Have you ever run a business, Mr. President?” “I ran a campaign.” “No, you didn’t; your campaign manager did. But have you run a business?” “I was a community organizer.” Bob sighed. “That’s not a real thing. Let me tell you about running a business. You know what minimum wage is for a guy creating a new business?” Obama thought for a moment. “Fifty dollars an hour?” Bob shook his head. “It’s nothing. It’s less than nothing, in fact. Starting out, I was losing money.” “You don’t sound like a good businessman, then.” “And yet, here I am now with my own business and no debt, so I think I know what I’m talking about. I put in the risks, and I got the reward. You know nothing of this; you don’t have anything useful to tell me because I know way more than you when it comes to businesses.” Obama frowned. “Then why aren’t you hiring more people?” “Because you keep getting in my way!” Bob shouted. “You keep coming in here…” He pointed to the file cabinet. “…knocking stuff over and then asking me to thank you. No, Mr. President. Please stop. Leave me alone.” “But I can help!” Obama pleaded. “Really? Then you look at my company’s budget and tell me where we have money to hire more people right now.” He handed Obama a print out of their current finances. Obama looked over it intently, but soon his eyes glazed over. “I’m bored now. I’m going to pivot away from jobs and to immigration.” Bob smiled and snatched back his budget from Obama. “Great. I’m sure more illegal immigrants will solve everything.” “Well, bye,” Obama said, walking to the door. “I’ll see you later when I pivot to jobs again.” Bob went to his desk chair and slumped in it. “I know.”
Posted on: Tue, 27 Aug 2013 22:59:18 +0000
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