A man and a woman entering a relationship are different in many ways, the chances of hurting each other are high. Besides, those closest to us seem to hurt us most. So it is easy to be hurt so badly in a relationship that you become unwilling to give yourself fully to any relationship for fear of being hurt even more. Besides the biological, emotional, and physical differences, as well as those in their personalities, men and women process pain and negative vibes from relationships differently. The chances are we live in a relationship with the fear of being hurt or we end up carrying baggage from one relationship to another. Bringing closure to relational wounds is key to giving one a sober approach to life. “If forgiveness entails releasing disappointment, anger, or resentment towards your spouse, a necessary first step is to name and acknowledge those emotions,” says Tim Muehhoff in his book. Marriage Forecasting. He suggests steps to take towards forgiveness. 1. Commit to a way of life that makes forgiveness possible. In my counselling experience, I have found that it is possible for disappointment, bitterness, and anger to fester to the extent that we grow cold and hard-hearted toward those who have offended us. However, one’s disposition when such things happen can make it easy or hard for others to make reconciliation possible. That is why Martin Luther King Jr said, “Forgiveness is not an occasional act. It is a constant attitude.” “When forgiving becomes a part of who you are, you’ll feel like a huge weight has been taken off of your shoulders,” notes Frank Sorin. 2. Acknowledge the pain. It is wrong for anyone to either trivialise or deny the existence of pain or hurt in a relationship. Forgiving yourself is one of the first steps to truly acknowledging such pain. Denial, even if it might seem to work for you, will only bring further pain in future. Embracing the pain helps you give attention to the wound and the kind of emergency procedures necessary to deal with the cleaning and treatment of the hurt in order to avoid the threat of infections that are bound to result, leading to an infectious relationship. 3. Address the disappointments and the resultant effects of the hurt on you. It is easier and possibly not as costly to walk the blame route. “How could they do this to me? Why didn’t I see this coming? I am not ready to forgive them!” are just some of the statements that reveal how we avoid facing the issue of hurt in relationships. Blame seems to take the holier-than-thou attitude. You are hurt and wish the same pain could be transferred to your partner. Maybe that is why Mark Twain says, “Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” 4. Accept that forgiving your spouse must be unconditional. The person we forgive might not deserve it, which is why forgiveness is one of the most resisted steps in relationships. But we should ask ourselves a simple question: How about if we were the ones in the wrong and needed forgiveness? Would we say that we deserved it? So, when we see the offender as a person undeserving of our gesture of love, we must be reminded of the price we will pay in order to let go and bring freedom to the offender and ourselves. If done well and without malice, forgiveness can do wonders for a relationship. It can change the climate of your relationship and outlook on yourself as an active participant in relationships in general. As Mahatma Gandhi said, “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” #kitoto
Posted on: Mon, 18 Aug 2014 09:28:09 +0000
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