A power struggle is when a person holds one position and another person holds a different position and both are unwilling to change their positions. Then it becomes a struggle for power. It is rarely about the issue at hand. It is about feeling powerless and wanting to feel more power within the situation. Lets look at the difference between authentic power and coercive power. Coercive power arises from judging children and situations as bad or wrong and whose ultimate outcome is separation from our children. Force is used to manipulate our child to do what we, as the parent, want them to do. Force includes the use of guilt, threats, punishment, spanking, sarcasm, criticism, intimidations, humiliation, withdrawal of love, yelling, nagging, or any other attempt to control or force our child to do something against her will. Coercive power motivates through fear instead of love and teaches children to be externally motivated rather than driven by their own set of rules or consciences. This allows children to look for outside sources to blame for their mistakes or for others to be responsible for their happiness. On the other hand, authentic power does not judge a child as wrong or bad, but works to solve problems in ways that will unite or bond with our children through understanding and loving unconditionally. Its intention is to build positive self-concepts and to make sure that everyone wins. It is the ability to empower others to become motivated through paying attention to their own internal feelings, wants and desires, and to listen quietly for inner guidance. Authentic power teaches children that they are their own source of happiness. The end result is closeness, respect, responsibility, cooperation and a sense of joy and aliveness. Unfortunately, coercive power is very seductive because it often works in the short-term and it is how most of us were parented so we are comfortable with it. It is very easy to use, but it seldom brings lasting results and it definitely creates strains in our relationships. So, how do we stop using it? The first step in using authentic power is to realize that your child is not bad. That, in fact, your child is being just like you when you dont get one of your needs met. Secondly, admit that coercive behavior is not getting you the results you want, i.e., more closeness and cooperation with your child. The third step involves using a combination of the 17 ways to avoid power struggles in this article. The fourth step is experimenting with the alternatives and acknowledging yourself if you were successful. If you werent, ask yourself how you will do it differently next time. Gently encourage yourself. The last step is to choose a method of personal growth for yourself that will unblock your ability to unconditionally love yourself, your child, your spouse, and others in your life. This could be books, personal growth courses, or private counseling, but it will help you help yourself. The following alternatives are 17 ways to avoid power struggles. These are wonderful ways to use authentic power in your relationships with your children and it promotes positive self-concepts and cooperation. Use any or all of these suggestions and see what a difference it makes! Use friendly action. Oftentimes we nag and nag our children about what they should be doing. Or we talk so much that our children become parent deaf. Use friendly action instead. For example, you ask your child to pick up his toy from the living room floor. He says, In just a minute. A minute goes by and the toy still isnt picked up. Put a friendly smile on your face, bring your child over to the toy on the floor and walk away. If he says, What? just continue smiling and walk away. The minute you start answering questions or talking, you leave the door open to engage in a verbal struggle. Use one word suggestions. We make over 2,000 compliance requests daily to our children, pick up your toys, brush your teeth, eat your cereal, etc. That kind of communication gets old and children just begin to tune it out. Instead, use one word, like toys or teeth or cereal. Make sure it is in a friendly voice and with a smile. Tell your children ahead of time that you are going to stop nagging so much and that you will be using just one word from now on to say what needs to be done. No is a complete sentence. Children are programmed from birth to push and resist against rules. Saying no is just a boundary and if you feel guilty or bad for saying no, you are training your children to have the belief that life should go their way and if it doesnt, its your fault as their parent! Say no, just once, and if she throws a tantrum, walk out of the room and let her anger be her problem. Teach your children to say no to you in a respectful way. How many of us were allowed to say no growing up? If we werent allowed to, we did say no in a number of other ways. Like rebelling, or doing a job half-way. Teach your children to say respectfully, No, Im not willing to do the dishes, but I will sweep the floors and clear the table. This creates an atmosphere of cooperation and support. Give your child choices. We all like to feel powerful and influential and our children are no different. Let them make as many choices as they can that will give them control over what happens to them. For instance, Do you want to wear your red pajamas or your blue ones? or Do you want to take your bath before I read you a story or after? Let your children know how valuable they are to you. The more they feel valuable to us, the less likely they are to misbehave. Ask their advice on buying clothes, or how to decorate your home. Have them teach you a game or a fun activity. Use win-win negotiation to resolve conflict. Most of us were not taught the concept of win-win negotiation. We most likely experienced situations that were win-lose or lose-lose. In a power struggle the most effective negotiations are when both sides win and are happy with the end results. It can be challenging since you must listen intently to what the other person wants while staying committed to what you want. Ask your child, I see how you can win and thats great, because I want you to win. How can I win, too? When children see that you are just as interested in seeing them win as yourself, they are more than willing to help figure out ways that you both can win. Brainstorm solutions to the struggle. The idea is to get wild and crazy and to never discount someone elses idea. Write all the suggestions down and then hand the list to your child first. She will go through them and cross off the ones that she doesnt like. Then you get the paper and the opportunity to cross off the ones you dont like. Usually there will be two or three suggestions left that the two of you can come to an agreement about. This is a wonderful problem-solving method and with enough practice, it can be done without writing anything down. Give your child appropriate ways to be powerful. We all want to feel powerful and if we dont have opportunities to do it appropriately, we will create ways to feel powerful that are inappropriate--like power struggles or picking on siblings. In the middle of a battle with your child, stop and ask yourself, How can I give my child more power in this particular situation? It might be as simple as asking him for his help or giving him a particular job to do that he is totally in charge of. Use signals. Sometimes when a parent and child are working on resolving recurring power struggles, it is helpful to have a signal that alerts both of them to this pattern of behavior. Use signals that you both have agreed upon and feel comfortable using. Remember the more power and control you give your child, the more likely he will be to cooperate. Signals that are funny are also a light way of reminding each other about your patterns. Make learning fun and enjoyable. Many of us approach disciplining our children with a serious, no-fun-allowed attitude. But think about how much more you learn when you are enjoying yourself.
Posted on: Mon, 27 Oct 2014 21:11:30 +0000
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