A question Ive dreaded answering... where have you been and why now? To be honest not a lot of people would have enjoyed being around me 14 years ago. I was selfish, egotistical, not responsible, lived too care free. Stuck in a lifestyle that only pushed friends away. The military changed a lot about my outlook on life. I became part of a brotherhood. Part of something bigger than me. And even still I was too selfish to offer anyone any solid companionship. So where was I? I was stuck in my own self centered life. I got in a lot of trouble based on my selfishness. Thats where I started to learn that life is more about the quality of relationships than self gratification. I had some really good people In my life when I was in trouble. They didnt judge me. They took me in as family and helped me back on my feet. The day I was released from jail I had support. And also that day, I told myself I was going to get to know you. Scariest thought of my life. Getting to know someone, a complete stranger to me, that was 50% me. I freaked out. I tried to write your mom many times. I didnt have to courage to send the letters. I was afraid of rejection. I started talking to people that knew you guys. Trying to find out what you liked and who you were all the while not having the courage to take that step. Why now? I focused my energy in life on becoming a better person. Emotionally, professionally, and in all aspects of life. I started spending more time with quality friends, my family, and most importantly my self.... I grew up. For the first time ever I didnt need a girlfriend to validate my existence. I didnt need anyones approval on what I was doing. I became me. I received a phone call that my father was taken to the hospital by ambulance. He woke up feeling weird and had no energy. When I saw him laying in the hospital bed it took everything I had had in me to stay strong. To not cry. To not show weakness. But I was hurting bad. Partly because my father had barely avoided death, and mostly because I never even attempted to be half the man he is. Ive thought about you for years. Ive missed you for years. Ive kept you a secret for years. All because I was too scared to face life, to take responsibility. That day in the hospital changed all of that. I went out and got a stable job. I asked my dad about you. I called your mom. I no longer worried about rejection, even though it was a highly probable outcome. I had to try for real. I was tired of waiting to not be scared. I am so very glad that she answered the phone. That despite being ignored by me for 15 years years, she agreed to see me. Getting to know your mom has been a great experience. She truly loves you and your brothers. I am glad she is making room to get to know me too. The day we all had lunch was the best day of my life. As you sat across the table from me it was like looking into a mirror and seeing a girl version of myself as a kid. I I was so scared that day. I rambled on and on and cracked jokes. But inside I was really scared. I was angry at myself for not trying sooner. I am sorry.... Im so very happy that I got to have lunch with you. Your smile and laugh melted my heart and took away all of the worry about being scared. So thank you. I dont expect you to ever forget that I wasnt there for so long. I dont even expect you to want me there now. I do want you you to know that I really and truly loved meeting you. I would like nothing more than to be a part of your life and I hope that inside you want that too. I am here. Im not going anywhere. I wont leave you. Its only been days since we met and I miss you. Thank you
Posted on: Sat, 19 Jul 2014 19:00:11 +0000
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