A very good Sunday morning to you. You know, I am often asked if I have any advice for first time Carnival cruisers and normally I give the same advice to read the daily program the Funtimes to find out what’s going on and always ask the staff if you need anything. This aside from relaxing and allow the crew to serve and entertain you I really don’t know what advice I can give. So this morning I want to add a few specifics for our first time cruisers which I hope is useful. Let’s start with packing shall we and let me say right here that you are going on a 7 day cruise on the Breeze, you are not going on an around the world cruise on the Queen Mary 2. Don’t over pack by taking at least nine shirts you don’t need (men) or a dress that you “bought for the cruise” to add to the 9 other dresses that you’ve “bought for the cruise” every year for the past decade (women). And you certainly don’t need that many of sodding shoes. 1 pair of flip-flops. The shoes you’re travelling in and if you want to have one pair for elegant night then that’s it. Furthermore, it won’t be “cold on deck”, so take out the four North Face fleeces you’ve packed “just in case”. Now the cabin. Ketut your cabin steward has sculptured one of towels you will be washing your dangly bits and lady gardens with into art. Ketut is a towel Picasso, whose specialty is taking bathroom textiles and turning them into monkeys and elephants At least once, , you will try this for yourself to impress your wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend or kids. Please don’t. Rather than a elegant elephant, you will create something that looks like cotton road kill. I realise that sun cream is the biggest bastard substance known to mankind. It is either too thick or too runny but please, please use it. You are not some Gods of Beach all brown and tanned in the George Hamilton fashion, you are a middle aged couple from Chicago and you will burn baby burn. After one hour on Lido on a sea day your legs will look like mine used after I once put loads of pop rocks candy in my sister’s cats litter tray and my dad gave my legs the good news with his slipper. No sun cream on Lido will mean your arms, stomach and, worst of all, your back will be on fire and so strong will be the heat emanating from you that our Chef may use your back to grill some sausages on for our Phat Jimmy’s BBQ No sun cream means you will be one of the most common reasons why guests visit the ships medical Centre. Fall asleep for a while on Lido deck with no protection and you will be in pain, true and utter pain. The ship’s doctor will give you that green slimy stuff and some Viagra. The green slimy stuff to help cool the severe burns and the Viagra to keep the bed sheets off you. Please Mum and Dad ( or Mum and Mum, Dad and Dad, guardians and any other PC connotation which will stop me getting a bollocking) if you have young children on this your first cruise please, please use our Camp Carnival, Camp Ocean. Let our brilliant staff entertain them, let them meet new friends, let them have fun. Why? Because you will. Look, you have packed your book or your Kindle and unless you use our outstanding Camps and Teen Clubs there is bugger all point in packing that book or Kindle at all. If you have not left your kids with our entertainment staff then you will settle down on Lido deck, you will get three paragraphs into Fifty Shades Of Grey and just when he attaches the first nipple clamp, your kids will want you to go swimming, use the water works and the incredible slides, go on the ropes swing course, take them to the toilet, go back to the cabin because of a forgotten stuffed teddy bear or try, at their insistence, to make a towel elephant or get them another ice cream. If, however, you have left the kids at Camp Carnival, then you can go to Serenity Deck and immerse yourself uninterrupted in the world of whips and chains pausing only to go get yourself a Guy’s Burger. I will continue with this and give more of my advice for first time Carnival Cruisers in the days ahead. Oh, one more thing for today…………do not be the person travelling back to Chicago from your cruise to a freezing, Chicago in your cruise clothes. If you are the person in the line at Miami International Airport boarding the flight to Chicago clinging onto the last threads of your cruise by wearing flip-flops, a Got Fun T Shirt and a straw hat that you haggled for at the Straw Market in Nassau, then you are the person everyone is laughing at. Please don’t do it. Back with some Quick Fire Q and A later cheers
Posted on: Sun, 30 Nov 2014 10:56:42 +0000
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