ADVICE TO SOUTHERNERS MOVING NORTH 1. Remember; yous can be singular or plural. 2. If you are at a loss for words, just say, Fuggedaboudit. This can mean, yeah, youre right, Wow!, thats terrible, no big deal, What a surprise, forget about it, or a number of other things known only to wiseguys. 3. If you take a cab, make sure that you are packing heat, as well as carrying a universal language translator. None of the cab drivers up north speak anything remotely close to your language. 4. Dont be surprised to find liquor sold in drug stores. 5. Get used to hearing the F word and try not to take offense. Most northerners just use it as an adjective. Its f----ing cold, its f----ing hot, shes f----ing ugly, What the F you looking at, etc. 6. The spring wardrobe you brought out in April can wait til June. 7. Even though you are already driving 15 miles over the speed limit, the idiot behind you with the New York tags flashing his lights and flipping you off wants you to get the out of the way. No offense, its common practice up there. 8. Although there is only one posted speed limit, there is a fast lane and a slow lane. Those traveling in the fast lane are usually doing 20-25 miles above the speed limit. If you want to drive the speed limit, stay in the right lane. 9. Be advised, northerners do use turn signals; they just wait until actually turning to do so. 10. Most northerners will try to tell you that the N word is only used in the south, until an African-American moves into their neighborhood. 11. If you tell someone that youre from N.C., dont be surprised if they ask if youve ever been to Mayberry. (Also, Does your family have an outhouse?, Did your Daddy ride a mule to work, Are your Mama and Daddy related, etc.) 12. Be advised that while you may be used to opening doors for ladies, this could be considered a come-on. Worse yet, lesbians and womens libbers consider it an insult. 13. Although you have been taught to use it all your life, permanently remove Maam and Sir from your vocabulary unless you are in the military. People will look at you as if you are from another planet. 14. Never ask for grits in a restaurant, and dont expect to find sweetened ice tea anywhere. 15. Dont be concerned that you dont understand anyone. They dont understand you either. 16. Weddings and funerals alike are generally viewed as opportunities to get knee crawling, slip-sliding, commode-hugging drunk. 17. Other transplanted southerners can be identified by the fact that smile and speak even if they dont know you. In addition, if they havent lived there too long, they still have good manners. 18. While you may have been used to doing this all your life, never again leave your windows open at night. 19. Most northerners seem to think God has a last name. You will rarely hear his name mentioned that it is not followed by a four-letter word. Forgive them. They know not what they say. You will also hear Northerners frequently say, Ohhhh Myyyyy Gahhhhhd! Just remind them that they should address someone they know. 20. When some kind-hearted Northerner reminds you who won the Civil War, respond by saying, Oh you must be referring to the War of Northern Aggression. There was nothing Civil about it. 21. Think back to when you used to live in the south. Make a list of all the things that transplanted northerners used to do that drove you crazy. Dont do any of them. 22. Now that you have lived up north, you have a better understanding of why northerners are the way they are. If you ever do move back to Gods country, you will no doubt be more tolerant of them
Posted on: Sat, 01 Mar 2014 14:53:18 +0000
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