AM LEARNING!!!!! A particular incident has brought this issue to the forefront of my mind today, but it’s something that I’m sure every single one of you has experienced. The fauxpology. You know the one. Someone’s said something incredibly offensive or rude, and you’re upset, hurt, or angry. Or hell, maybe you aren’t any of those things, but you know people who would be, and you care about them. Whatever the case – someone says something nasty and you call them out. You go back and forth, them claiming it was just a joke, or they didn’t mean it like that, or it’s just a word, or get that stick out your arse, and you having to explain over and over why what they said is unacceptable. And then this happens: ‘Well I’m sorry if you were offended but…’ And then, well, you’re stuck, because if you try to continue the conversation they’ll insist that they’ve apologised, so what’s your problem, anyway? Well, purveyors of the I’m-sorry-you-were-offended fauxpology, I’m here to tell you what our problem is: it’s that you haven’t actually apologised. ‘But Stilli!’ I hear you cry. ‘I said “sorry”, therefore I apologised!’ My poor little fauxpologist. I can see why you would think that, but here’s why you’re wrong. You see, what you’ve done there is apologise for my reaction. If you think about that for even two seconds, you’ll see how ridiculous that is – you can’t control how I react to something, why on earth would you apologise for it? Exactly. It’s nonsensical. It’s like apologising for getting caught doing something, rather than for actually doing it (and I’m sure we’ve all done that, as kids if nothing else). So now you need to decide whether you’re actually sorry, or whether you’re just annoyed at me for daring to be upset. If it’s the latter – congratulations, you’re done! You can continue fauxpologising and justifying yourself to your heart’s content. If it’s the former, you may want to consider rephrasing to actually take responsibility for your words. Something like ‘I’m sorry that I said something offensive,’ or ‘I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings’ (note the VERY IMPORTANT difference between that and ‘I’m sorry that your feelings are hurt’ – that again removes responsibility from yourself) might work. You may even want to ask if you can make it better somehow, or request pointers on how to not say such nasty things in the future. Of course, you’re talking to someone who’s upset or hurt or angry (or all three or more!), so they might not want to educate you, but that’s okay. A fauxpology is about the other person. A genuine, heartfelt apology is about you, and keeps the responsibility firmly on your own shoulders.
Posted on: Tue, 18 Jun 2013 21:14:19 +0000
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