AN EMOTIONAL WEEKEND (A powerful and heartfelt report of the race that wasnt meant to be...again) Excited...devastated...hopeful...fearful...amazed...distraught...impressed...scared...blessed...overwhelmed...anxious Those words and many more summarize the weekend I just experienced at Ironman Chattanooga, easily one of the top 5 most difficult experiences I have ever been through. Emotionally I was all over the place as I stood on the sidelines and watched other athletes and my teammates prepare for and execute a moment that was supposed to be my moment, my culmination of a years worth of hard work, but more importantly, the culmination of a battle I had won over fear, anxiety and depression that lasted 9 years. I was ready to redeem myself for a Did Not Start I experienced in 2005 when I allowed fear and anxiety to overcome me and prevent me from toeing the start line. Why? If I had a nickel for every time I wondered why this happened to me, I would be a very rich man. There was no downside to me racing and completing this journey. I was ready for the race and just prior to the accident had completed the best and most significant week of training that left me feeling ready, excited, and poised to shock the world with how well I was going to do. In my mind, there was no conceivable reason whatsoever that this race wouldve been a bad thing. On the other hand, watching my dream die as I flew towards the pavement was one of the worst possible outcomes. Yes, my accident couldve been so much worse, and I am blessed that it wasnt, but while I didnt die that day, my dream did as my shoulder plowed into the road and my collar bone snapped in two. I may never know why and I hate that because my moment was stripped from under me in the blink of an eye. I feel like I deserve to know why because what happened to me was wrong and took something away that meant a great deal to me. I have been blessed by the overwhelming support of my friends and family, but have taken issue with some of the words expressed to me. People tell me that God may have been protecting me from something more devastating on race day. I dont buy that, because to believe that is to say that God is not omnipotent and couldnt have protected me during the race. I want to know why and what on earth in Gods plan would mean that not racing Chattanooga is a good thing. The best way to summarize my weekend would be all over the place. As the weekend progressed, I just did my best to stay out of peoples way and not be a distraction. Being there was hard enough, and I know a lot of people didnt know how to handle me, so I just kept my distance in an effort to not be a distraction and allow everyone racing to focus on what they needed to do to prepare and chase their dreams. Throughout the weekend I did get to meet some amazing men and women I had met on Facebook over the past year and I got to see every one of them chase their dream and hear Mike Reillys voice proclaim them as an Ironman. Getting to meet the voice of Ironman was awesome, even if I wasnt going to hear his voice as I crossed the line, although I think a lot of hearts stopped when he slammed his hand on my bad shoulder. Thats why in my picture with him, he is pointing at my right shoulder. I also got to watch my ten teammates so the same and every last one of them performed brilliantly on the battlefield and cross that finish line. One of the things I enjoyed the most over the past year was being part of the Ride to Give, an amazing organization that has done so much to change childrens lives. So to see every one of them cross that line was an amazing sight to watch. When I wasnt out cheering the athletes, I found myself alone with my thoughts. And when I was alone with my thoughts, I could feel the tears well up and the anger fill my heart. A few times I would walk away from the crowds and find someplace where I could sit and overlook the water and just cry by myself. It wasnt fair that I wasnt able to do this race, it wasnt fair that one woman who wasnt paying attention to where she was going cut me off, it wasnt fair that my collar bone snapped in two, this was supposed to be my moment, my victory lap, my dream. I had overcome so much to get to this point, to not be able to do this race was simply not fair to me and my friends and family who suffered and sacrificed right alongside me. Hearing Mike Reillys voice over and over again was like a dagger repeatedly stabbing my heart. Seeing the athletes realize their dreams crushed me just as my dreams were crushed. So where do I go from here? There are two things I am weighing heavily right now, surgery and racing... Surgery - as many of you know, there are two options on the table depending on which doctor I talk to. The more dominant option is a surgical option to reduce and fix the fracture. If I am being honest though, I hate that option. Surgery scares the hell out of me. Not because of having it fixed or having to rehab the shoulder. The thought of being chemically induced into sleep and closing my eyes where the possibility exists that I may not re-open them terrifies me. I remember in two previous surgeries that I didnt wake up well so because of those experiences, the thought exists that the next time might be the one that gets me and I never wake up again. Race - as I write this, I dont know if I want to go through this again. I was always going to be a one Ironman and done person, and then focus my efforts on improving in the sprint distance races. I put my body and my mind through hell over the last year, and I dont know if I can or want to put my body through that again. This is twice now where I have chased the ironman dream and failed to even start the race, so in my mind why should I even bother trying again, its just going to end up the same way. I feel like someone is trying to tell me something, that this ironman just isnt meant to be. I wont stop racing, I enjoy triathlons too much, but I think its time to put the ironman dream on the shelf and stop chasing something that doesnt look like it will ever happen. Right now I cant even imagine getting back on the bike again out of fear that I am going to get cut off again or worse. Our lives are like books, with different chapters representing different segments of our lives. I feel like a chapter has closed with Chattanooga, and it wasnt a happy ending. I dont know what the next chapter of my life looks like. I have no idea which end is up right now, much less where I go from here. One day at a time, I press onwards toward the goal, only today I dont know what that goal is or where my life goes as a result of my accident and how my life can be better for having the accident and not getting to chase my dream all the way to the finish line.
Posted on: Tue, 30 Sep 2014 21:23:19 +0000
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