ASK BOB NEW YEAR SPECIAL Send your questions on any subject to bob@bobservant or in the comments at the bottom of the page - Dear Bob What level of inebriation would you recommend for the fullest enjoyment of the bells? Scotty, Dundee I suggest that throughout the evening you perform a simple sobriety test on yourself. Place your hand in front of your face. Slowly attempt to touch your face with your hand. If you manage to get your hand ‘fairly close’ to your face then you’re absolutely fine and can continue drinking with abandon. This is the same test used by Dundonian posties before they head out in the morning. * Dear Bob What ladies have fallen for your smooth talk over this festive time and will be accompanying you for your tea (and dare I say a little more?) on Hogmanay? Diane T, Bellshill I will be skirt-free on Hogmanay and that’s very much a tactical decision. There are two periods in the year when Dundee’s available skirt levels ‘spike’ and they are the immediate aftermaths of Hogmanay and April Fool’s Day when there are a lot of trial separations going on. It’s vital that I’m ready and able to take full advantage and offer a ‘third way’ for any skirt in distress. * Dear Bob, Which type of burger do you recommend for relief of cranial discomfort the morning after the night before? David M, Edinburgh We will be selling the “Hangover Burger Package” on New Year’s Day – Cheeseburger, can of pop, and an arm round the shoulder and wee words of support like “You’re a great guy no-one hates you, oh sorry you did what? Right well, you’re sort of on your own with that one pal sorry, my God”. * Dear Bob, Are you First Footing anyone this year? And if not would you like to First Foot me? (I’ve being saucy) Doris, Barnhill Firstly, telling someone you’re being saucy makes matters a lot less saucy. Secondly, I no longer First Foot after a misunderstanding with a neighbour in the Nineties. We’d spent the whole year having a relatively enjoyable running joke about dogs. So in the early hours of the New Year I climbed into his house through his kitchen window, burst into his bedroom ‘barking’ and cocked my leg as if I was going to visit the lavatory over him and his wife. Sadly, he suffered a complete sense of humour failure and the joke was comprehensively ruined by him and his wife’s deeply unhelpful attitude. That painful memory aside, a Happy New Year to all my readers. You’re good people.
Posted on: Tue, 30 Dec 2014 14:24:27 +0000