ATTACK ON PENSIONER BLAMED ON ILLUMINATI A vicious and heartless attack which left an 88-year-old woman battered and bruised has been blamed on the Illuminati, the secret underworld society of the Global Elite. Mrs Elsie Battleship, a former dinner-lady, lollipop woman and interfering old busy body, was brutally attacked at her home yesterday when, she claims, members of the Illuminati stole her pension money and made off with several of her prized possessions. It was horrible, she said from her hospital bed. I was watching Downton Abbey on dvd when there was a knock on the front door. I answered it and suddenly the Illuminati barged in and started shouting at me for my pension. The next thing I knew I was tied to a rocking chair while members of the Global Elite rifled through my cupboards. They took my pension book, some money from a teapot on the fireplace, and some Princess Di plates off the wall. Police were horrified by the attack. Detective Inspector Clifford Rumpsteak said: This was a cowardly attack on a vulnerable old lady in her own home by shadowy members of a pseudo-Satanic and, frankly, incongruously-credible organisation. She is badly shaken, and still cant sleep for fear of them coming back and undermining her very existence and making her grandchildren disappear. Thanks to the victims quick-thinking, good memory and bizarre imagination, the police have been able to issue an accurate description of her attackers. They are looking for as many as a dozen shadowy individuals all wearing long black coats like off The Matrix, talking in riddles and occasionally turning into lizards. Anyone with any information is urged to say nothing unless they want to appear in a Nostradamus quatrain or as a character in a Dan Brown novel. A spokesman for Mrs Battleships local neighbourhood watch scheme, Alan Piss, said today: We would urge all our residents, especially old spunkers, to be vigilant following this latest incident. People should always be careful about who they open the door to. Any credible and bona fide members of shadowy underworld organisations will always carry ID cards. Frankly, you could be opening the door to anybody - the Freemasons, Knights Templar, Illuminati or any subversive global brotherhood bent on world domination, your pension book orr commemorative Lady Di plates out of TV magazines.
Posted on: Mon, 08 Sep 2014 21:01:55 +0000
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