Abe on Jealousy in a relationship and how to CHANGE it: (Long Transcript – really good!): Hotseater: “My question is kind of a couple of questions in one, but basically it has to do with feeling jealous and insecure in my relationship. And, uh, my boyfriend really doesnt give me a reason to feel this, but sometimes we may be somewhere or he may say something and Ill just start feeling that way. And Ive noticed he is real different in that he knows that I love him and because of this he feels totally secure and trusting of me and this is what I would like to feel. Also Ive been with him for about a year and even though he is allowing this less and less, his ex-girlfriend, whos the mother of his 2 children, still feels that she can exert control over his life and uses the children as a tool to do this. This has caused some problems and interference in our relationship even though lately hes done a lot not to allow her to have so much influence. Nonetheless the control or influence he has allowed her to have has really bothered me and I know that the more that I observe it the more Ill attract of it. How do I change letting it have any affect over me so that itll just diminish? Sometimes to try to change the energy I pretend that she has a boyfriend now and just leaves my boyfriend alone and also that because of this he doesnt feel so obligated or so free to come and go at her house. And when I do this, it feels really good to me and it feels like a relief. Is it okay for me to try to change the energy in that way, or how should I do it so that it doesnt bother me so much and I dont keep attracting more of it? Its getting better, it is changing, but I dont want it to bother me at all anymore in that particular situation and just the feeling insecure and jealous in other areas involving us. Also, Ive noticed that sometimes Ive noticed that I dont do exactly what he wants or Im not there for him exactly in the way he wants me to be and sometimes hell do something to get back at me because of this. I guess due go do an errand for her and hell purposely tell me well, Im going to go do this for her or hell go over to her house to babysit the kids or something like that which I can feel that hes doing it to get back at me and he knows thats whats going to hurt me the most or make me feel the worst. And Im wondering, what is it that Im vibrating that is causing him to feel that he needs to get back at me if Im displeasing him in some way? Also, Im wondering when somebody does something like that to us, is it okay to take action in that moment and kind of like tell them you know dont do this to me kind of like stop them at that moment from doing something like that? Or do I first try to change the vibration and then say something to them? Because sometimes to me it feels like that if I dont say something then Im just letting him or somebody else walk all over me and I feel like its going to take awhile to change the vibration, and meanwhile theyre just going to keep doing that. Im confused on how to handle it. Abe: Well, we want to begin with the last part of your question first. If you lived in an action-based world where things were coming to you in response to action, and somebody is getting even by doing something, then the answer would be yes, stop the action as soon as you can so that it doesnt go any further. But you are not living, even though it feels sometimes to you, you are not living in an action-based World, this is an energy-based world. And the answer is always to line up your energy before you take any action. Because if you have a knee-jerk response to something and then you act from that feeling, youre just filling your future with more of the same. You have to shift the energy and then take the inspired action. As you were describing your relationship and some of the things that you are living, we wanted to interrupt you midway through and say to you that this...and you used the word towards the end of the sentence that was the word that we were going to give to. You began by using the word jealousy and then later you began talking about insecurity and were wanting you very much to realize that what jealousy is, is insecurity. But when it turns to that feeling of jealousy is when you think you see someone that is living that which you want in the moment that you are not living it. For example, lets say that you have all the money that you have any sensible use for, you have piles of it around, in other words, you cant even figure out what to do with all of your money. And the money keeps making more money so lack of money is just not part of your vibration at all. So you meet somebody else that is in the same situation, they have more money than they know what to do with, and so as you are visiting with them, you would not feel any jealousy about them living something that you want because youre living all of it. If you are radiant in your health and you meet another healthy person, you would not feel jealous about their health because you are abundant in health. So what the feeling of jealousy is, is when you have a desire that has not yet been acquired, but then you see someone else that is living the satisfaction of your desire, then that feeling of jealousy is just your amplified awareness that in this moment you dont have what you want. And in truth, it really doesnt have anything to do with anybody else except that they amplified your own feeling of not enoughness. And thats why the word insecurity is even a better match. In other words, it really doesnt have anything to do with his past relationships, they just keep fanning the flames of your feeling of insecurity. In other words, when you think about it logically, you know he has no desire to go there and in your heart you know he will not return there, but there is enough feeling of not enoughness within yourself that sometimes you use that as your excuse to not feel all that you are. What we would do, lets walk through this a little bit. Lets say that for whatever, you dont even know why, but this feeling of jealous insecurity sort of sneaked up on you and youre feeling it in this moment and youre fighting it, but you feel it, its very real, youre not making it up--you feel it. But you stop in the middle of it this time and you say well, I used to call it jealousy or I used to call it insecurity, and now what Im calling it is -- what it feels like when I give my attention to something not up to speed with my desire. In other words, my desire is to know that Im enough, my desire is to feel utterly secure in this relationship, but for some reason, and theres so much evidence of that around me. In other words, he comes to me every day, he comes to me every night, he expresses his appreciation and love for me in endless ways, but for some screwy reason Im choosing with all of this evidence of what I want before me, to pick through the data and find something that feels different than my desire. And so the way I feel is not a product of what hes doing, its a product of what Im doing, its a product of what Im choosing. And it isnt just in this relationship. In other words, its a habit that most physical beings have because you have not been taught that the way you feel is only an extension of what youre choosing to give your attention to. In other words, if you turn on the TV and theres some national report, even bigger, its a global report, its coming from the scientists of all around the world and they say to you theres an epidemic and all are susceptible to it and people are dying like flies everywhere and we dont know what to do about it. Most of you would feel vulnerable because you have not yet convinced yourself that that epidemic is about them, not me. Theres still this feeling that something that they might be living could assert itself in my experience. And it is only when you finally get it, that only that which I am in vibrational harmony to has access to my experience that youre feeling of insecurity is replaced with an absolute KNOWING that all is well with me. So, you just practice it little by little. You practice it one thought at a time and the best tool that we have found to teach that helps you to in the midst of a negative vibration... our friend amplified this question earlier when Im right in the middle of something that I dont want, how do I find the other feeling? And the process we call a Focus Wheel and the simple structure of it is - you draw a circle in the middle of a page and then you write clumps of phrases all the way around your circle in the middle of the page and when youre done you write a final, confirming statement in the center of the circle. Now youre attitude when you are performing this focus wheel, your goal, your objective, is to find some statement that matches your desire _that you already believe. In other words, lets say that you feel insecure, hes been off babysitting, hes been over there, youve focused upon it, youve been keeping score, hes been over there a lot lately. He might be trying to get to me or he might have some real desire, he might be getting some satisfaction over there when I want him to get all of his satisfaction with me. In other words, I dont want him to have a broad life, I want him to have a narrow life where Im the only that ever makes him happy. I dont want anyone to tell him a joke that makes him laugh, I dont want anyone to prepare food for him that he likes, I want all food that he eats away from here to taste icky, and I want all conversations that he has away from here to be boring, I dont want him ever to have joyful moment unless hes with me. Now thats absurd isnt it, and yet thats what most think they want when theyre feeling a little insecure in a relationship. So lets pretend hes been over there and youre in that place of insecurity or jealousy. So you say, well Ill do a focus wheel. The first thing that you reach for...and your desire...whenever you know what you dont want you always know more clearly what you do want...so the desire that is borne out of this is I want to feel good, I want to feel secure, not just in this relationship, but in all aspects of my life. I want to know that Im enough, I want to feel pleased with who I am and how life is treating me. So then you feel for something that you already believe that matches that desire. Now have you ever seen one of these merry go rounds in a grade school playground, where the children push them to make them go? And do you ever remember or did you ever watch when they got it going so fast that somebody who wanted on couldnt get on and they had to finally slow it down enough that you could jump on? Well, thats a bit the way this focus wheel works. If you try to make a statement that is moving faster than you, you cant get on. For example, your desire here is to feel better about who you are, so you make a statement like Well, Im enough...well the wheel didnt slow down enough for you to get on, so you try again. So you say something like Well, Im more significant in his life than she is...well, if this were a game show wed go annhhh because thats the wrong answer again, you can feel that wasnt the right approach either. So you just keep reaching for it. So then you say something like There is so much evidence that he loves me. Now you absolutely believe that so now youre on. So then you reach for another statement and you say something like, I want him to interact with his children you absolutely believe that and it also matches, or doesnt mismatch your desire, so that statement stays. And then you reach for another and if youre writing this its even more powerful, so as youre writing this in clumps there is so much evidence that he loves me and that feels good as you write it. It usually takes about 17 seconds to conceive it and write. And then you say I want him to spend time with his children, I think that is very important to him and to them and you write that and you feel yourself already feeling a little better, your vibration is already beginning to lift. And then you say something like I have never wanted to be the beginning and ending of all things for him. I just want to be important to him and I know that I am. So you write that. And then you write I want him to have a relationship with his ex-wife ANNNHHH! You can feel that went too far - [laughter]. In other words, you can feel that you treaded into territory that brought your vibration down, so you back away from that. And then you say something like it is natural that he would interact with her since they are both now and will always be the parents of these children and you write that and it feels a little better. And then you reach for another statement and you say something like I want these kids to have parents that get along with each other, it is so much nicer for them. There is no reason for their parents not to be social and receptive and respectful and appreciative of each other. I want that for the children and for him and even for her. And you can tell by the way you feel that you are now making statements that are a match to who you really are from your nonphysical perspective and you are literally bridging, you are shifting your vibrational habit into new realms. And the most powerful thing about a focus wheel is that it will take you a little while to get on it usually, but once you get on it, and shift your vibration, even a little bit, you will never again go back to where you were before you did the focus wheel. You are now seen by All That Is as a different beamer of a different vibration. And from that moment, everything in the universe will respond to you differently than it did before, so now things that have made you feel insecure are less likely to happen, because youre not vibrating in so much insecurity! Youve mended your insecurity and brought it to a more secure feeling place. You get the sense of what were talking about? The first time you do it you will shift, the second time you do it you will shift more until with just a handful of focus wheels that are prompted from very strong desire, desire like we felt from you as you projected your question to us here, you will be vibrating in a whole different place. And everything in all the universe will respond to you from your newfound vibration. And it will not take much of that before that feeling of insecurity is an utter thing of the past. We remember a time when Esther was insecure about going to new cities or when she was insecure about even flying from place to place. She would fret over all of the details of the unfolding, where now she has just come to accept that things always work out alright and she doesnt have to think every single thing through, they can figure it out as they go along. She knows that the signs are there and that they will find their way. But this morning when Jerry left the (hotel) door ajar, for just a moment she slipped back into that old feeling of insecurity until she re-thought it from that vantage point. You get a sense... And so, you may do a 100 focus wheels on this subject, and each one leaving you in a new place. Get a sense of this? Usually it doesnt take nearly that much attention, however. 68 seconds of pure thought is equivalent to over 2 million action hours. So a focus wheel or 2 can make a big difference in the way people in your experience respond to you. Now relative to your boyfriend manipulating you. He may be doing some of that, we dont feel too much of it. What we really feel is that your insecurity just brings that out in him. And it annoys him when it comes. And we think that as you feel a little better youll see little or none of that. And we would NEVER, if someone mistreated us, we would never stop in our moment of perceived mistreatment and say you are mistreating me, dont do that because then you are then shining a spotlight on something that you do not want and usually what happens is, they then get defensive about it. And then you have a whole other thing going. So it is always much better to step back from it and give the other the benefit of the doubt. And by that we mean, say something like well, he means well or I may be misunderstanding this. Even if he doesnt mean well, and even if youre not misunderstanding it, its ALWAYS better for you to give them the benefit of the doubt, than to judge them as wrong, because in the moment you see them as wrong and focus upon it, youre a vibrational match to that very wrongdoing. And we promise you, youll get more and more and more and more and more of that. Hotseater: Okay. Abe: “when you say it annoys him, do you mean the insecurity annoys him or his doing what he does... Hotseater: “Both Abe: but what we meant was when you are feeling not loved enough and he knows that, he cant stand on his head in enough ways to make you feel secure...your insecurity is so deep... In other words, in his mind hes thinking things like I do this, I do this, I do this, I do this and still shes insecure. It feels futile to him. And in that feeling of futility, he just goes the other way. Not because hes trying to get even with you, but because you have amplified something that is so BIG that then you just get more of it. In other words, he cant buck your current, thats the best way of saying it. He cant buck your feeling of insecurity and so he just sort of goes with it. Have you ever heard them say well, if you cant fight em, join em? I give up! In other words, its that sort of thing happening on an unconscious level. We do not think that he deliberately tries to ring your bells. You are complete? Hotseater: Yes, thank you very much (Transcript by “Abraham Hicks Fan” – date unknown)
Posted on: Wed, 06 Aug 2014 20:43:15 +0000
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