According to the book of which Im deeply in the recesses, I shouldnt talk about my painting. All these reasons, which are probably true. The dude who wrote the book studied the subject material for five years before he wrote the book. But...I dont care...Let me be wrong then. I know why now. I know why I got so far with my paintings of my gone family, my dearest mother, and stopped. Then started over and stopped. Then started over and stopped. Literally 20 times in the last 5 years. I believed I was afraid the work would not be good enough. Sounded reasonable but, thats not it. Painting, if youve never done, I strongly encourage you to try because, as I sit here blinking tears out of my eyes, I promise you--If you say you cant feel anything anymore...try painting someone youve lost. Thus far, my words might read cold and English but, its taken me 15 minutes to get this post this far. My mind was trying to protect me this whole time, from a tearing pain as fresh as the day I lost her. Pictures cant do this. I look at her pictures and theres recognition--Nothing more. I evoke memories of her and I feel those but, its not the pictures that make the memories. When I so systematically apply a glaze of medium red next to a glaze of dark madder and then impose the highlights in scarlet, I mop and sweep the pigment together, blending it. Then...I step back away from it and get kicked in gut so hard, I cant breathe. As I turn to see, my memory of her fills the blouse they tore off of her when she died. Painting the life back into a form that was...NO!--That IS the only thing I have left of the woman who bore me...her memory inside my head becoming her. OH GOD!! I think Im gonna die!! I changed my mind! I dont wanna do this! I dont wanna be a painter! I dont want to be able to paint a memory so vivid, so real it has the power to kill. Oh God! NO!! but... But if I dont...if I dont, youll never see her as I did. I can write and talk all day but, you still wont SEE her, as she was to me, what all she DID for me!! I owe her this. I owe her debts I will never pay. I miss you. I loved David with ALL my heart and God knows I miss him but, Mamaí...Im broken with you.
Posted on: Tue, 08 Jul 2014 02:41:55 +0000